Halloween and Work?

Okay - I get the jist of the whole Halloween thing - I somewhat get the jist of wanting to dress up your pet as well - but to get dressed up for Halloween - to put in your 8 hours of the day dressed like - a pine cone or a bunch of grapes? This is just WRONG! To this point of the day (which is the point where I am almost done - ) I have seen: A chick dressed as a flapper, a woman all dressed in red with devil horns, a woman with a vandalized baby doll erupting from her chest (must have been the alien thing!), a Bee, many witches (many I would have noticed even if they weren't wearing costumes), someone in the elevator with black make-up covering the bottom of her face including her lips - and a curly black wig(?) , a condom (walking down the street), 4 milk cartons, a Bird, a Fairy, (you know - the typical unimaginative costumes), an inmate, someone with just a long brown tail hanging out from under her skirt, a big yellow smiley face.......a court jester........several clowns..........a Viking.....I could just go on and on and on and on! Then there are the people that wear those head band things that have flashy pumpkins or bats on the top - that blink on and off - I mean - WOW - that person sure went to a lot of effort to get into THAT! But as far as I am concerned - If I can not come to work in my ripped up sweats and sagging T-Shirt - even ONE day a year - why should these people be allowed to wear such contemptable outfits to work? I am flustered now - gotta go-Cheers! DIZ

Why do I bother reading this stuff?

You know - I sit and read stuff on the internet - and now I feel the need to share some of that with you. Today I came across a list of "15 Things you wish you never found out!" They were right - especially the last two - they kinda creeped me out! Here goes:

1. Every year, parks in London alone are doused in one million gallons of dog urine.
2. The germs present in human faeces can pass through up to ten layers of toilet paper.
3. The best (?) recorded distance for projectile vomiting is 27 feet.
4. Contrary to popular belief, if you swallow chewing gum it does not stay in the gut. Usually it will pass through the system and is excreted without incident. However, several cases have been reported where the gum has stuck in the rectum, causing the unfortunate sufferer to excrete long sticky trails of gum, like a pink spider's web.
5. Several well-documented instances have been reported of extremely obese people flushing aircraft toilets whilst still sitting on them. The vacuum action of these toilets sucked the rectum inside out.
6. It is physically possible to cough your guts up.
7. If your body's natural defenses failed, the bacteria in your gut would consume you within 48 hours, literally eating you from the inside out.
8. What is one of the most difficult items for sewage works to handle? Here's a couple of clues: It is insoluble, yet fine enough to pass through most filtration systems. Every month Thames Water removes over a ton of this substance from its water treatment plants, whereupon it is taken away to a land fill site and buried. You guessed it - pubic hair.
9. Parasites count for 0.010f your body weight.
10. Henry II was murdered by his homosexual lover, who pushed a red-hot poker 0.5 metres up his rectum.
11. The longest recorded tapeworm found in the human body was 33 metres in length.
12. A woman who had recently visited South America, where she had been on safari in local rainforest, began to experience severe pains in her left ear, accompanied by headaches, dizziness and constant rustling sounds, at first put down to tinnitus. It became so serious that exploratory surgery was required, which revealed that a spider which had become trapped in her ear. Eventually it had eaten through her eardrum and was living within the aural cavity. The rustling sounds were from the spider crawling around inside her skull. An egg sac was also removed.
13. . A man in Australia was concerned about a growing lump on his nose, was examining it in the mirror and saw a Red Back spider crawl out. Doctors found an entire red back nest inside his nose.
14. An obese woman was admitted to a Queensland hospital with stomach pains, It turned out that her T.V. remote control was stuck in between rolls of fat and had eventually become an abscess.
15. Another woman in Queensland who had lost a lot of weight went to the doctor with a big, hard, horn-like object protruding from her abdomen. Closer examination determined that it was years of compacted belly-button fluff.

Now that I have made your I.Q. levels a tad higher - as you were! Cheers! DIZ

Cursing & Swearing- Huh?

Okay - as I was coming into work today - I heard one guy call another guy a "Mother F#*!>er". Okay - what does that mean - What was this guy ACTUALLY saying? That his buddy has intercourse with his own mother? With his buddy's mother? Any mother? And is that a bad thing? (I guess if it was his own - ya!)

Then there is the work "Bitch". I mean - that is a female dog - and to some the female may not apply - nor the dog in the literal sense.

Here's one we here around OUR house now and again - WANKER. Okay - if you call someone a WANKER - it means you are saying he/she is a masterbator. Well - chances are - whether you use this word for a male or a female - you are not saying anything untrue - nor is it offensive! So all you are doing is pointing out the fact that this person does something - Offensive?

Now let's move on to the most use phrase "F**K YOU". So - what you are saying is that you want to have sex with me? I'm sorry - you are not my type - nor to I have any interest in that with you. If that isn't what you are trying to say - then who? Who is supposed to "F**K ME"?

So really - a lot of these phrases that are used to convey anger or whatever - when broken down - actually mean NOTHING! They make no sense - and on a final note - who decided that showing someone your middle finger is offensive? All you are doing is showing someone one of your fingers...........Ooooooooooooooooooooooh I am so offended! Cheers - DIZ

Crackhead Squirrels

You know - I was talking to one of Nick's friends the other day - and he was telling me about the psychotic squirrel that runs around his window every morning at 6:00 or seems ready to attack at any moment. I wondered what could make a squirrel so viscious - I mean - they are such a sweet looking little creature. Well - it's the crack cocaine. That is my conclusion. All those dealers that hide their stashes of crack cocaine - ready to sell - are being found by the squirrels as they are preparing for winter. I mean - if I was a squirrel and had a choice - would I be picking crab apples off the tree? Nope - I'd be in the park where the pickings are easy - and I could get my furry little paws on the hidden stashes of crack cocaine. They don't know exactly what they are ingesting - but they like it - so next time you see a squirrel being rather aggressive - don't try to kill it or hurt it - send it off to detox and rehabilitation. Either that - or train it to bring some of the findings back to you - like a homing pigeon! Cheers Diz

Nick (& Dave) Update

Well - Nick returned from the Provincials without a medal - but with many good belly laughs from his trip. (Why he hasn't been doing this since Grade 10 - and waiting till Grade 12 to participate in school activities - well - it's beyond me!). He came within the top 60 runners in the Province - but reckons that IF he would have pushed himself - he could have come in around the top 20 runners. Squirrel Dick, Bill and Rain (the dog) all went to cheer him on along the running route................Thanx guys! Dave on the other hand - is becoming the next Ringo Starr! He got himself some drums - and is taking lessons - he actually doesn't sound too bad! Last year it was trumpet - I would rather listen to the drumming practice than trumpet - I always thought a cow was dying in the backyard every time he practiced! Anyways - by the time the SkiAmigos come for their trip - you'll have a drummer to play along with - and you can all have a bit of a jam session! Or maybe not! Cheers - Diz

Subway Subs

Here is my beef for the day - I am not sure how this came up - because I haven't had a Subway Sub in like ages - but - what ever happened to the "V" cut that Subway used to be so famous for in their subs? No - now they have their sandwich monkeys - most who don't understand the language you are speaking - slice the sub in half - which as we all know - makes most of the inside of your sub end up on your lap, the table, in your purse, etc. Most of the employees that now work at Subway have never made a "V" cut sub, never mind eating one! Long ago when Subway first opened - there was much rejoicing - FINALLY - a sub that would keep the contents inside themselves.....................I think they stopped the "V" cut about the same time that they took the pizza sub and pre-formed rib sub from the menu. (Or was that McDonald's?) V cut? What are you talking about. We cut it in half. Or thats at least the SIGN language you'll get from the sammich monkey who can’t complete a thought much less do it in english. Maybe THAT's the reason I haven't been to Subway in such a long time - bring back the "V" Cut and you'll bring back some customers! Cheers - DIZ

Where's The Arm Pit Hair?

I have a question - no one has been able to give me an answer - yet - when you see a commercial on T.V. for men's deodorant..........why is it that none of these men have arm pit hair? Or - for that matter - a hairy chest? Or for that matter - when it comes to any shaving commercial - other than a man's face - there isn't even stubble - women are shaving completely smooth legs - why shave your legs if they don't need shaving? Anyways - I just thought that maybe someone out there may have an answer for me. Cheers and Thanx!

I JUST can't find it....

I just can't seem to find a background to suit my fancy-so -I keep 'a' changin'. Today - I like the fuzzy plants in the nackground! And as for you Jonsey - what is this preoccupation with my nicks? Hey - one pround mother moment - Nick is off to Grande Prairie (yes - where Squirrel Dick now lives), his school running team has made the Provincials. And Nick - well - he heads up the Intermediate team - he is a Senior - but because of his age - they have put him in the Intermediate group-he has the best running time - so he's the head guy (Captain I believe it's called - Captain Nick!). I guess all that running from his crazy mother has paid off! Here's hoping he comes home with a medal! I am raising my glass of scotch as we speak! Cheers!

Work Hard........

I actually heard this line the other day......"The Reason You Are Asked To Work Hard...is..... So That You Do The Work For Everyone Else!" So - my advice to you is - get the other guy to work hard.......and join all the people who are already in on this secret. Cheers - Diz!

THE EVIL WASP!

You know – I haven’t ever really wanted to admit it – but I have a mortal fear of wasps. They are out to get ME! I know this because of the public display of bopping, boogie and rumba that I seem to have do while I await my drive to go home. I realize that the summer is almost over and that all the wasps will soon disappear for the winter months - So it's probably too late for my suggestions to be taken to heart by any Wasp at this point in the year – perhaps over the winter – while they hibernate – or whatever it is that they do over the winter – the Wasps could think about some of the issues I am about to bring forth.
Firstly, could someone please let me know exactly what I've done to make Wasps hate me to the extent that they do? I recall no wasp-related cruelty initiated by me at any point in my life. But everyday, as I walk to the corner to await my ride home, the Wasp seems to be hiding and waiting for me – just under the front bumpers of the parked cars. They lay there in waiting for me to come by and then zip – I first catch a glimpse of the Wasp in the shadow, then out of the corner of my eye – then It’s zipping around so fast I think I’m surrounded. And sometimes I am – one by one – the Wasps exit from their protection of car bumpers and start to buzz around my legs and head. I swear sometimes they come at me in formation! I don’t really remember the day that I actually realized that I was being victimized by the Wasp – but it could have been that time when I was about 7 years old – I was playing at the front of the house and a Wasp started to fly around me. All my friends backed away – the Wasp didn’t want them – it wanted ME! They all shouted, “RUN!” So I did – I ran around the block at least 5 times, but the damn Wasp was always there when I looked around. Trying to twist and turn didn’t help either – the Wasp was always one step ahead – actually - behind me. Then there was the time when I was having a picnic with my friends – I was about 11 years old. This time the Wasp(s) had singled out my friend, as he sat there eating his sandwich, a Wasp flew and landed right on his bottom lip. What was he supposed to do? We all screamed and scrambled like cats in a blender, and left the poor guy (I think his name was Shawn), sitting there – cross-eyed – waiting for the Wasp to go away. I think it took a good 10 minutes – and we just left and went home. Oh – and then there is that time that I’m talking to a guy I liked at school, acting all cool and everything, only to unexpectedly hear a loud BUZZ in my ear. The great arm waving, jumping, elaborate dance may be translated into a mating ritual somewhere in the animal kingdom – all I know is – it wasn’t interpreted that way by this young man. And of course, let us not forget the time the Wasp stung my husband in the leg 15 million times, while we were picnicking at the Museum of Civilization in Ottawa – with our two small boys. We (the 2 boys and I) of course had enough sense to get up and leave when we saw the Wasps – but not Dad – nope – He wasn’t moving for nothing – he was cool and Wasp proof. Leave them alone – they’ll leave you alone! He is so naïve! AND he was the only driver and we still had approximately 2 hours of driving in the hot, humid summer heat to get back to home base, only to have the mother-in-law baste his leg in baking soda, and sliced onions! Didn’t work a damn on those stings – but it sure smelled like we could have had a great soup base! I can’t even go to a petting zoo – because well – The Wasp seems to show up the same time I do – and that’s all I need – to get kicked in the head by an old donkey or mangy sheep that The Wasp may decide to sting – just because I am standing behind it at that very moment. You know – some people believe that Harry Potter is evil – let me tell you – he’s nothing compared to the WASP! Cheers-DIZ

Everyone in life has AT LEAST one LIFE SKILL!

Everyone in life has at least ONE life skill. It doesn't have to be anything big - just one skill that they do very well. Some people a really good at being "simple" . Think of what that takes - one has to be able to completely turn off their brain cells, "shut down" as it were - and go boldly into the world knowing that the others are not as simple as you. Then there is eavesdropping - we all have someone we know who has this as their life skill. Someone who, when you are on the phone - hovers by your doorway and pretends to read what is in their hand - and when you stop your conversation to ask what they would like - they just say - "It's okay...finish your phone call, I'll just wait!" NO YOU WON'T! Because you will stand there and listen to every word that I say and then you will no way to much about me and I will have to kill you. Plus - what you needed to discuss with me? Well - you have forgotten it by now - and all you will do is have an insignificant conversation with me about the brand of Q-tips you like to use - or what you saw growing along the side of the sidewalk this morning. Then there are the "organizers" - you may just see these people as being bossy. But in fact - if it wasn't for the organizers - we'd all be running around in lederhosen not having a clue where we are supposed to be and how we are to get there. Then there is the person who is great at finding presnts, whether for Christmas, a birthday, or just because. You know the type - the ones that always have suggestions like - "A bottle of Champaign and some Oysters would be nice"! "Or how about a flight over the Bermuda Triangle - that would be so perfect!" How about a person who can drive without looking..............there are many of these people out there. You know the type - they have the cel phone stuck to one ear - with a smoke between their fingers, and they are drinking a Tim Horton's coffee with the other hand - while trying to turn down the radio, and pick up the lighter they just dropped on the floor of their car. Now THAT's a life skill we'd all love to have! My life skill you ask? Well I believe that it is thinking too much.....there are too many things to think about - and I just can't seem to absorb enough during my waking hours - so I must keep thinking through the night - while the cats are out there stalking their prey - and the milk man is starting his run...........wait - we don't have a milk man. My BIG thought for the day is: Why don't they make chocolate marshmallows anymore? They used to. I remember being able to buy bags of chocolate marshmallows - just like the white puffy ones you buy now. I know they have the "flavoured" ones that come in a variety of colours - but in those bags - you may only get one or two chocolate marshmallows. Maybe someone can let me know - so I can strike this one off of my "Things to Think About List". Cheers! DIZ

The Chair from HELL!

You know how your mother ALWAYS told you not to lean back in your chair? You know – one of those circus movements – a spectacular show of balancing yourself on the two back legs of your chair? Well – I have another warning for you – NEVER do that with your office chair – especially if it has wheels! This morning – I decided as I had completed a page of typing at the computer – that I would lean back and have a look at what I had accomplished………………yup……………….you guessed it! There I was doing the “Great Diz Balancing Act” when suddenly – the chair started to slide from underneath me. I had completely forgotten what my mother had told me – though I NEVER EVER listened to her in the first place. I never much liked my office chair – but now I realize my office chair doesn’t like me either! This chair has arms on it that are possessed. Just as I am about to sit down – the arms swivel inwards and I end up crushing my tail-bone. The back support (which came separately from the chair) – is either too high and could give me major whiplash if I reverse too quickly – or it’s down around my corpulent ass – and I end up sitting on the edge of the chair. It makes me laugh when I think that the purchaser’s of this chair told me it was a “more expensive” and “ergonomically” designed chair. What a whole load of crap! I know $100.00 is like a fortune in somewhere like the country of Eritrea, but in Canada? I mean $100.00 can be spent at the “Dollarama” in like 10 minutes! Well – it ALMOST happened……………..me – ending up on the floor………….I had such a visual on this one. Me – in a heap on the floor, feet wedged in the boxes I have under my desk – cause there is no room elsewhere in the office for them - I had visions of my cup of hot coffee – never mind landing on me – but landing on company property like the keyboard! God forbid! I made enough noise to have a few co-workers come a peek into my pod to see if I was having a stroke or something. Isn’t Gravity a wonderful thing? What’s even better is having sense of mind to go against the fall – not with it. You know – like on a motorcycle – you lean into the turn – well – I leaned away from the turn – I duped Gravity! Though my phone and tape dispenser became dangerous projectiles – landing in some odd places that I have no idea how they ended up there……….what did I hit them with? My arms? Legs? Or did my possessed chair just make them take to the air? I am not too sure – but as I grow older – there are some things that my Mother told me that I REALLY should be paying attention to. Leaning back in a chair is one of them! I am getting too old for that sort of adrenaline rush! Cheers….DIZ

It's not even funny......................

Why do people say, "My head hurts so much it's not even funny!", or "I'm so tired it's not even funny!" What is funny about any of those things ......I mean......typing this is so pathetic it's not even funny, I'm so thirsty right now it's not even funny, it's so gloomy out it's not even funny, my back hurts all the time cause my boobs are so big - now THAT's not even funny, my hemmorroids hurt so much it's not even funny, the people I work with are so retarded - it's not even funny. Having to end this - well - just isn't funny either.

Okay - the scotch is done!

Hey - it actually worked - no ERROR message..................hence - the scotch is done! And just for you Randy - I changed the pretty pink "Barbie" background! Cheers-DIZ

Whoa Big Snake!

I have been trying and trying and trying to get this "dumb ass" thing to post my messages - I keep getting ERROR messages - I am getting rather tired of it all! ERROR - couldn't this bloody machine think of something better? Like FAULT, BLUNDER, BOO-BOO, SLIP-UP, GAFFE, OVERSIGHT - whatever.................man - if this works I'm cracking open that scotch - right here - right now!

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