WOW!

And I thought I had issues! WOW! Diz

Man.....too much time to let me wonder.....

1) Ever wonder if you can cry underwater?
2) Ever wonder why they make bread square - and snadwich meat round?
3) Ever wonder why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
4) Ever wonder that once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
5) Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
6) Ever wonder what cured ham had in the first place?
7) Ever wonder how it is that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
8) Ever wonder why it is that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
9)Ever wonder why people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
10) Ever wonder why doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
11)Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
Ever wonder why my brain never stops?....maybe I'd get some work done...DIZ

And from George Carlin...

If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
If a no-armed man has a gun, is he armed?
If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?
If firefighters fight fires and crime fighters fight crime, what do freedom fighters fight?
If you put a slinky on an escalator, would it go forever?
If all babies are cute why are there so many ugly people in the world?
What's another word for thesaurus?
If you cross a four leaf clover with poison ivy, would you get a rash of good luck?
Who is more foolish, the fool, or the fool who follows him?
When Dr. Kevorkian watches ER does he root against the doctors?
Why do they have Braille number pads at drive-through bank machines?
Is it ok to go door-to-door selling "No Soliciting" signs?
If it was a 3 hour cruise, why did Mrs. Howell have so many clothes?
Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
Why is back pain medication always on the bottom shelf?
If talk is cheap, why is my phone bill so high?
If someone comes up to you and tells you that they're an obsessive compulsive liar, how do you know they're telling the truth?
How can you tell if Don King is having a bad hair day?
Should bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?
If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how do you know if it's wrong?
Do bleached blondes just pretend to have more fun?
Did the early settlers ever go on camping trips?
Why are the other lines always moving faster-until you get into one of them?
How can a person get a life sentence & be eligible for parole in 15 years?
.....it just makes me wonder more...DIZ

Bed Making – Yes or No?

There are two kinds of people in this world – those who make their beds in the morning – hospital corners and all – and those who don’t. I am a “DON’T” person – I mean – after a long day at work – having to come home – deal with family issues – or family at all – (some days I would like to come home – and crawl into a bubble…I can watch what is happening around me – but not have to participate…I ALWAYS get pulled into daily crap…my own fault – but none the less – ANNOYING!) – bathing and then it’s bed time – I really couldn’t care a less whether the bed has been nicely put together that morning – and you could bounce a quarter off of the sheets – or they have all been pushed to the bottom of the bed – all in a wrinkled pile. A bed is a bed – regardless of how it was left that morning. As long as I don’t see roaches, any coloured stains or someone I don’t know in my bed – I am crawling in – I go into hibernation mode and the next morning it all starts again! So – I say to those bed making people – spend the extra 5 minutes laying in bed in the morning – it could be your sanity saver……..it’s definitely one of mine…Diz

When did I become a DUDE?

Okay – so – I have been through and am still going thru this teenage boy thing. All of a sudden my sweet little boys hit those teen years – and mother – well – she becomes more of an annoyance that they have to mumble responses to every now and again. The words “I don’t know?” Come out something like “I uh oh?” Kind of all blended together…no individual words. Once those teen years hit - their hormones surging through their bodies have cut a path through the speech center in their brains; their mouths, when they speak at all, produces mere shrunken shreds of complete sentences apparently understood only by other members of this species. Sometimes it’s just an audible grunt…the grunt can mean approval – or not. Messages that are left are written like something a caveman would put on a cave wall. “i’m out…will b L8. r u ok with that?” Well – whether or not I am “okay with that” makes NO difference! Do what you need to do buddy! My sweet l’il guys have suddenly become strange slouching creatures, with some sort of stubble that might get shaved if there is a female involved on that day…otherwise – I’ll just look like they drove through a puddle of mud with their head out a window - mud on their upper lip and cheeks. “S’up”, “My bad” and “Burn” have become the three most common words in my house. While I am trying my best to keep wrinkles and sagging from happening with age – here I have a 15 year old that wears gravity defying pants – sort of looks like he’s wearing a “big boy diaper”. I mentioned that the other day to him – “Snort-Grunt” was the answer I got! What more should I have expected? Not sure if it was approval – but almost certain it wasn’t! My 18 year old – adolescence has left him incapable of living like a civilized human being! I mean – he’ll eat all the food in the refrigerator – but not know how to close a door, he’ll spend an hour in the shower – but has no idea how to hang up a wet towel. I so understand now why some species eat their young! It is to avoid adolescence! I mean – I totally agree with cutting the apron strings – but to have them severed? And to have something that used to be at the other end become so incredibly Neanderthal…..and then have the audacity to tell ME to “Act normal”? And yes – the line was actually “Dude…why can’t you act normal?” So when did I actually become a “dude?” The dictionary says that a “dude” is a “guy”, “fellow” or “man”! I gave birth to these morons – I AM NOT A DUDE! Yes – those good ‘ole apron strings – I think I’ll hang on to them for a while longer – maybe in 20 years from now – these boys will “be normal” – or I may just have to use those apron strings to choke’ em! Enjoying life…DIZ

More interesting facts - other than knowing that I am worth $19.95!

1) If I were a sport - I would be hockey! (Ice hockey...for those of foreign extraction! Not from Canada eh?) You see I am tough and I am not afraid to put my body on the line...and what position would I be - well of course goalie - cause I really am not much of a real team player.
2) My wrestler name would either be Ivory Chainsaw or Velvet Nightmare.
3) I am 72% gross! I like to get down and dirty - so to speak!
4) What holds the keys to my heart? Never allow me to become bored...(that's just trouble!)...you can not have the need to be constantly re-assured....I don't do re-assurance. I like laughter and will find humour even at the most inappropriate times...if you don't enjoy this sort of out of place reactions - GET AWAY FROM ME NOW!
5) If I was a margarita - I would be a Lime Margarita. Realistic and grounded, and have energy to tackle all obstacles that stand in my way. I am hyper and driven - I hate incompetence - especially incompetant drunks!
6) My element is Air. I dislike conflict and I am able to rise above the angst of the world. I can be easygoing (just don't piss me off!) and I find joy in the simplest things in life! (Yes - I have been known to take pictures of clouds - approximately 117 in one day!)
7) I am 48% selfish. That means I am quite balanced and am able to compromise when it is important to those around me...but I am NO PUSHOVER!
8) I am 33% Pure. (What the heck that means..........I DON'T KNOW...maybe if I were a higher percentage of Pure - I would understand!)
9) I am 93% brutally honest. I tell it like it is. Even if it is hard for people to hear. Ya - I like to make people cry!
10) My breasts are named Breastasaurus (right one) and Love Muffin (left one).
11) I am 93% bi-polar! (Like any one who knows me didn't know THAT!) I am a tad unstable and moody (and you all thought is was just PMS!)
12) If I was to actually have the perfect career - it would be as a Joke Writer! Yes - I feel I am totally hilarious - and I find humour in ANY situation. Whether I am spouting off zingers, comebacks or jokes about life...I keep 'em laughing!
Will NEVER remain a mystery......................DIZ

19.95

A few things you may have missed re: The Diz:

Here are a few facts about me that - well - you may never had actually noticed about me:
1) My brain is 47% female and 53% male.............that explains a few things doesn't it?
2) My hidden talents are interpersonal relations and dealing with people. Apparently I have a calming presence?! Ya - people CRAVE my praise and compliments!
3) If I were a pie - I would be pumpkin pie. Even if people are full - they ALWAYS have room for me!
4) My pirate name is "Bloody Flirty Fran". (Also rhymes with All Bran!)
5) My last words will most likely be: "I can jump now - I trust the bungee rope!" Either that or - "I can pass that guy!" - I'm not sure how - as I do not drive a vehicle!
6) I will die at the age of 73. I am not sure if that is physically or mentally - cause mentally - I think I have already moved to the next dimension!
7) I am 36% Paranoid Schizophrenic! You thought it was more didn't you!?
8) I would sell out for $1,084,347.00! Maybe for an extra 2 cents I would sell it ALL!
9) My deadly sins percentage is as follows: Sloth: 60%, Gluttony: 40%, Envy: 0%, Greed: 0%, Lust: 0%, Pride: 0%, Wrath: 0%, Chance that I will go to Hell: 14%. I don't believe in Wrath!
10) I am 15% redneck.
11) I am 89% Gemini (Funny that............you'd think it would be 100% - cause I am a Gemini!)
12) If I were a muppet - I would be "Animal". A complete lunatic, and I operate on 100% animal instinct. I thrive on uncontrolled energy and I can be downright scary.
13) My vampire name is: Concubine of the Underworld..........(I think that's more my boss than me!)
14) If I were born in the year 2893, my name would be Vuis Kiku and I would be telepathic...(TELEPATHIC - not PATHETIC!)
15) My quirk factor is 89%. I am so quirky that it is hard to tell the difference between quirky and normal. And that my friends...you already knew!.....Cheers Diz