Anybody you know pass any wet cement lately?

Listen Up Kiddies.....

These are just little words of advice that I picked up over the Internet, with the added Dizzy twist...........
- Just because you can stick toothpicks in your forehead and they’ll stay there and it doesn’t really hurt all that bad doesn’t mean you should go ahead and do it, at ANY restaurant.
- Don't piss off skinheads. They’ll beat you.
- Yes, popping a paper bag in the mall makes a very loud noise. Yes, you can hear it echoing all through the place.
- "Rent-A-Cops" (Security Guards) are all dickheads.
- Believe me, the rash won’t go away on its own.
- God created Assistant Managers when he was in a really shitty mood.
- Knife wounds inflicted on bodily extremities, such as hands, should receive firm pressure with a clean, dry towel or cloth. Elevate if possible. Remember, dry is the key. The wet washcloth is a poor choice for staunching blood flow, no matter what you’ve heard.
- Be careful of what you headbutt. Some doors are not as sturdy as they might first look, and it can be hard to estimate your own strength immediately after inhaling nitrous oxide, or power shooting a keg.
- Head wounds do tend to bleed a lot. Don’t panic.
- Pajamas are indeed comfy, but society dictates we not wear them to school, work or the bowling alley.
- You better ask before you try and stick your finger up there.
- Socks should match your pants, and your belt should match your shoes. After that, if anyone complains, tell ‘em they should be happy you’re wearing any clothes at all.
- If you suspect someone likes to do a lot of cocaine, don’t let them “borrow” your CDs.
- Try not to get too depressed. There’s always something to look forward to. Keep alert, and sooner or later you’ll see someone slip and hurt themselves.
- If, while chugging a beer, the phrase, “I bet this is going to be the last coherent thought I have tonight,” runs through your head, get someone to take you home. Now.
- The cops never think it’s as funny as you do.
- Yeah, I know Sid Vicious wore a lock on a chain around his neck just like that. But the first time you try and pogo with that thing on it’s gonna chip a tooth.
- Strictly speaking, ranch dressing is not an ingredient.
- Now that you’ve climbed up there, it’s a lot higher than it looks, isn’t it? Dumbass.
- You’re probably doing something that bugs the next person twice as much. Clam up and get on with your life, and last but not least.....
- Powdered cocoa won’t put out the fire.
Forever being enlightened....Diz

Just a few observations.....

- Now - see - flip flop season has definitely ended...I am CHOKED! (Booze in my coffee would extend my flip flop season....)
- I have NEVER learned to text or even use my "auto dial" on my cel phone! I am afraid it will self-destruct in 10 seconds if I don't use it as a REAL phone. It also has pics that have NEVER been downloaded.....I think coffee and booze would at least give me the guts to be a bit more "literate" with these new fangled gadgets!
- Right now - outside my office window a horror is happening........it is minus 25 celcius - and we are being inundated by a white out! Yes - SNOW - but yet - at -25 celcius - they say it is too cold to snow! It is freakin' colder than ice outside! Yes - ice is 0 degrees - it is 25 degrees colder than ice outside! I am afraid to walk out there - at my age things stick out and or hang a little differently than they should - I may end up walking thru my front door with a few less body parts than I started with! What the hell am I doing living here?
- I actually did a "Dizzy Moment" with only Nick (son-17 years old) in the room! Yes he stared at me - unbelieving that his mother is truly THAT THICK! He asked "Are you sure you weren't born a blond?" Then shook his head and said "I soooooooooooooo see where the nickname "Dizzy" comes from"! Join the rest of the world kiddo - your Mom IS THE DIZ!!!! If I owned a bike - I could do "Drive By Dizzy's!"-THEY won't let me drive a vehicle....too many people would end up eliminated!
- "Mahna Mahna" by Cake is THE BEST tune in the world!
- Do you ever think they'll make a thong to fit my butt? I just think I am missing out on something....Diz

Coffee, Booze and Stuff

I realized this morning (and ya....it was a DUH moment!) that coffee is one of my very best friends! I know - Coffee and Grand Marnier and some sort of cream alcohol (like Bailey's) is THE BESTEST FRIEND EVER.........but where I work - I figure THAT would be frowned upon. I guess if I REALLY want to get fired - the GM and Bailey's are going to be coming to work with me. I spent a week-end in Vegreville, (YES! You are right - that is the place where they have the biggest egg on earth! AND - just one town over - Mundare - has the biggest Coil Sausage in the world! It looked like a great spine buckling poo - but none the less - Alberta is the land of BIG STUFF!) with 11 other girls - most of them nurses - and the organizer and the one who invited me was Mrs. Onionhead. We started each day with alcohol and ended each day the same way....with "some" in between! The coffee and booze for breakfast wasn't really new to me...MANY MANY moons ago - camping in the States - beer and frosties were the top of the list as a breakfast item......as we have gotten older - the boys - the Amigos; once a year (that I KNOW of) do "Drunkin" Donuts......well - I have decided that that week of skiing - which I usually take off - I am doing my coffee and booze - every morning - whether I get the time off work or not. The week-end was a marvelous thing - no stresses - no telephones - no computers - just food, booze and many great laughs!......Still looking over my shoulder thanx to Mrs. Onionhead and her co-hort.......Diz

I can soooooooo relate!

You HAVE TO CHECK OUT THIS SITE!!!!!

http://www.skippyslist.com/skippylist.html

Quickly becoming Skippy's best ally..............Diz!

I am stealing from another's blog.....but this person is IN MY HEAD!!!!

The Office Game. I actually played by myself - I have no friends at work.....I have stated beside each of the ones that I have done....now it's up to someone else to do some of the ones I haven't and let me know how it turns out! Spice up your office with The Office Game -- pick two or three colleagues and agree to play. The Office Game which awards points as follows:
* ONE POINT
- Run one lap around the office at top speed. Walk sideways to the photocopier. (Done it - though with a HUMUNGOUS chest - it wasn't very graceful!)
- Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.
- When they're not looking, pour most of someone's fresh cup of coffee into your mug leaving them with an inch of brew.
- Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you. (Easy - I ignore everyone!)
- Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."
- To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace. (This is just a regular reflex for me....happens quite a few times a day!)
- While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.
*** THREE-POINTS
- Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it." - Double points if you do this to a manager. (Yeah - it was like - hmmmmm.........)
- Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle. (Now this one is a challenge - and I looked like I had just climbed out of a fish tank when I was done - but it was rather amusing - at least to me!)
- Shout random numbers while someone is counting. (TOUCHDOWN!)
***** FIVE POINTS
- At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).
- Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
- For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as 'Bob'. (This was fun - and I still get Bob - though I make them believe that THEY are nutz - not me! I mean where did they get THAT from?)
- Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do number two".
- After every sentence, say 'mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in, "the report's on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour. (yEAH mON!)
- While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.
- In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, all of you just shut up!"
- In a colleague's diary, write in 10 am: "See how I look in tights".
- Carry your laptop over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?"
- Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now". (I also get visual things flying by!)
- Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it"
- Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc.) during a very important conference call.
- Tuck one pant leg into your sock and when queried, answer, "not now" and walk away. (Tried this just today - took off my boots and boogied around the office! If they didn't think I was crazy before........)
Still being THE Diz................Diz

Why It Is Great To Be A Female...

1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We can scare male bosses with the mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
3 Taxis stop for us.
4. We don’t look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
5. No fashion faux pas we make, could ever rival the Speedo.
6. We don’t have to pass gas to amuse ourselves. (Well - I do at times!)
7. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
8. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her rear end.
9. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
10. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
11. We can talk to the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
12. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we are aware that we will look like an idiot.
13. We will never regret piercing our ears.
14. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
15. We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence because they aren’t listening anyway.

SOME DAYS.........

Some days – it totally feels like I have towels in my chest! A real heavy – cottony – un-breathing feeling. Ever feel like that? It’s sort of like being depressed – but more like feeling like – maybe there won’t be a tomorrow. It’s funny how when I am feeling down – I can sit at the computer and type whatever comes to mind – I vent about all kinds of issues – I can spew forth all kinds of vile news – and my blog may not judge me – it’s probably not a fair trade to this poor blog page – but thanx for being there! Cause if I was to “vent” at home – MY GOD……Life as we know it would be changed forever – the world’s axis would tilt a few degrees – and the Ford household would implode! I am not there to vent – I am there to be the sounding board for other venters that also live there!

When people phone the main line here at work, I wish I could – well – give them my fantasy lines. You know – someone calls and asks if I can help them or if they can ask me a question – I would LOVE to answer “Look Lady-despite what you may think, the person who answers the phone and has to handle offices throughout the Province does not personally handle each job as well. I answer the phone and chances are – NO – I can’t help you!” Or when someone calls and asks you how the weather is before they get down to business. I would love to answer something like, ”I’d probably love to have a lengthy conversation with you about the weather or the week-end, however, did it ever occur to you when you’re asking me about the weather, that the ringing noise you hear in the background could possibly be other people trying to get through?”

I am having so much trouble focusing. Words just seem to end up being spelled incorrectly – the dictionary does not hi-lite them – as they are actual words – they are just the incorrect word. I was answering a proposal from some Aboriginal group – and they had the word Salmon in their group’s name. Well - I typed up the whole letter – and decided – and this is a rarity for me – to proof read the letter before handing it over for signature. Well – instead of typing the word SALMON – I had typed SEMEN!!!!!! Now wouldn’t THAT have gone over well if I hadn’t proofed it! As for where or why my fingers went to those letters on the keyboard to make THAT mistake everytime.......the brain (especially mine) works in mysterious ways! When I die - please put it in a freezer for future use....someone may want to use my brain someday - maybe as an ash tray or maybe a centre-piece for a dinner with Hannibal, either way it should really be put to use after I am done with it. Spelling-challenged, flustered, and still using my brain……………DIZ