Computers - the bane of stupid people's existence

"My theory is if you can't even turn the computer on, then you shouldn't get to use one. I serve as the unofficial tech person for our division because 1. I can read directions, 2. I know a printer from my scanner, 3. I know how to turn my computer on. Other than that – I am rather ignorant with this complex piece of crap that we all can’t do our jobs without. I am surrounded by idiots. I wish this were a tale of just one moron, but it is about 3 people. The first lady is about 55 and as high strung as a cat in a blender. She calls with the following complaint, "I can't print." No problem I think, we all just got new computers with the "fancy" flat panel monitors and new printers. I figure there is a mix up in the process of hooking up the new ones. I walk in and she says, "Fellow D (yes-she calls me Fellow D!), “so and so” told me to hit print and when I do, nothing happens." Okay, “so-and-so” doesn’t normally fall in the moron category – so I figured IT MUST be something other than human error. After much fooling around with the computer and crawling on the ground looking for the disconnected wire, I discover the problem when I asked her to "hit print" one more time. Right there in front of me she reaches up and literally hits print on her screen. These are not interactive screens, they are simply flat panels. I see the moment in which I can humiliate her and say no hit harder. So there she is tapping her little heart out on her monitor. I laughed right in her face and explained how to use a mouse.

The second is a young 30 year old who has been around computers her entire working career. She calls in a panic "I have a non-system disc error!" Of course I note the panic and say calmly, "Eject the disc." She starts cursing at me about how I think computers are so simple and that I am stupid and she will get the lady down the hall to help her. Of course the lady down the hall and I are mortal enemy's because she leads the ignorant brigade in the office. Can you believe it took her 3 hours to fix her problem? The worst part was that she was bragging about how kind she was and when I wouldn't come help her she did. Ahhh, how generous of her to eject her disk. Morons. Third: My boss gets a new laptop and a docking station including a new flat panel monitor. She calls, "My new monitor isn't hooked up right, it won't turn on." I go down and ignorantly search for a problem. Then it dawns on me, she never turned it on. For some reason she thought the new monitor would immediately power up like her old one. It never dawned on her to push the power button. I left a Post-it-Note shaped like an arrow with the following note: "If this button is not green, you must push it. Green indicates that the monitor is on." Oh, boy did I get in trouble because I once again over simplified the problem.

No need to thank me…………………Diz

Merry X-Mas one and ALL!!!!!

A Holiday Wish from my friend "Bill":

For My Liberal Friends:
"Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. We also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the generally accepted calendar year 2007, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make Canada great. Not to imply that Canada is necessarily greater than any other country. And without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishes. By accepting these greetings you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for herself or himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher."

For My Conservative Friends: "Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!"

Jill
................Ditto..............Diz!

How NOT to argue with a teenager!

Never– EVER should an adult – especially a parent get involved in a deep “rational” conversation with a child especially one who is a teen, without a prepared speech. Unless of course you like to be tortured, mentally – it’s like having the Chinese Water Torture done on your brain, or maybe instead of bamboo sticks under the finger nails – it’s bamboo sticks into your brain – through your ear canal! I have always believed in NOT YELLING at my children………..it was something that was the norm growing up. Now when I hear yelling – my blood pressure bubbles, and I can honestly say I start feeling nauseous…..but having teen children bring the best out of a parents character! I started yelling the other night – I even freaked myself out! Even the hubby who was standing next to me couldn’t believe what was coming out of my mouth. I mean – I was sooooooooooo incredibly pissed off – all the wrong words were coming out of my mouth! Things like “Do YOU THINK that I like to “mental” in your issues?” (The word I was looking for was meddle! And having a teen as my audience – this did not go un-noticed!) “You are making me so angry “right away” I could just “shit”! And ya – I probably meant to say “shit” – subconcsiously – but what I wanted him to hear was “You are making me so angry right now I could spit”! Instead of “You need to stop….” Out came “You need to shop….” Don’t believe me? Call – I have witnesses – it got better the more I shouted – the more confused I got and the more I got my “merds wixed” (words mixed!) “So you think you’re such a tart!” Instead of “So you think you’re so smart!” After about 5 distinct mistakes in the language that I so pride myself in knowing well (English) and being a lover of words – I had to slow myself down because I could see that the one-sided conversation was going nowhere! Nick (the 17 year old) just stood there with some “Cheshire Cat” grin on his face – I mean – how in the hell did I expect him to take me seriously at this point! He was standing there contemplating his navel so that he wouldn’t crack up and really send me off that cliff that I was teetering on! I had to walk away – but only for a split second – when I returned to the kitchen – father and son were staring at each other – you could see the pleading in Tim’s (father) eyes as he looked at Nick…."Just don’t laugh….not now….don’t look at her directly in the eyes…..excuse yourself and go to the bathroom….go smoke some mistle-toe from the X-mas decorations….tell her you’ll share…..even – fall to the floor – lay in a fetal position and rock back and forth – JUST DON’T LAUGH” is what his eyes were saying. Needless to say – I truly don’t believe that the great moment to pass on some wisdom – which I can usually do – went completely to hell in a hand-basket – oh – in less than 45 seconds! Don't try this at home….Diz

Complaint Letter of the Year! BRILLIANT!!!!

Giving this the “Complaint Letter of the Year” award is no overstatement. It’s that good!

Why have kids?

We had a Christmas potluck lunch today, and there is one pregnant girl in the office. The question came up……”why does anyone have kids?” Well – that sure stumped me! “Why?” I ask myself “WHY?” “Hmmmmm-why did I have kids?” Well – firstly – I was at an age where “I thought sex was fun” (when one gets older – one gets wiser! This is no longer one of my thoughts…..don’t feel sorry for hubby – he’s not hard done by! (Excuse the pun!)). Secondly – I guess I was a tad thick, stupid, brain dead, whatever - from having my first kid – that I had a second one! I think I thought that eventually one would keep the other company, busy and out of trouble.....oh how wrong I was!) The question came up – if you could go back would you be childless or still have kids what would you do? – would you HAVE kids – cause that is the way of nature(?) or not?
Diz: (politely) I believe that is sort of personal, and I really don’t feel like answering you.
Other: Come on….enlighten us!
Diz: Okay – well – you asked…..First off – most people that I know who don’t have kids – initially seemed quite happy – then they seem to end up getting divorced-not that some people with kids don’t get divorced too – but these people end up being conceived as lonely old geezers and hags – with no purpose or direction in their lives! What about their own mortality? Does THAT ever cross their minds? The passing of the gene pool? Like the Olympic Torch?! ……Then I sort of stopped myself from going into a “Dizzy Rant” and asked or rather TOLD them all – “This is rather personal…..since when did it become regular conversation in an office (other than an OBGYN) to talk about other people’s reproductive organs, their reproductive habits, and the primal urge that ALL must have at one time or another or have children? HOW DARE they assume (and they were assuming)….that people who don’t have kids don’t have full lives…..they always regret their choice…..they would “so love them” when they finally arrived…..that these childless people are going against the natural order of things…that they are selfish people…it was patronizing and insulting as far as I was concerned. Having children is not a right – and who knows – those kids that weren’t born may be better off………(though I am not sure what I meant by that!) and holy crap – it’s not the first 14 years that’ll kill ya – it’s the second 14 years of a child’s life that makes you wish you had stayed barren! My suggestion to these childless people….next time someone asks why you don’t have kids – or if you ever plan on having kids……………dive directly into a diatribe of lies that have something to do with some tragic, elaborate state of health – something involving cancer, flawed genetics, you married your cousin or perhaps a small explosion! Just trying to help…DIZ

Just ONE MORE pic for the day........

Check it out - Kev is a GIANT with the "Black Eyed Peas"! (Third person from the left is also a radio person - not part of the band - but then - if you know the band - you would know that too! I don't know the band - I had to be told!) Always learning.....Diz

Canadian Ceremonial Guard Band

Here you have Eric (Sproul) doing what he does soooooooooo incredibly well!!! I do believe this may be his last stint in Ottawa in the Canadian Ceremonial Guard Band - he has been posted to the STAT Band in Halifax - Eric Sproul is a Canadian Soldier! (This day - on "The Hill" it was 38 degrees celcius at 10:00 in the morning.......imagine how freaken' hot he must of been! Two "pipers went down" that day! But the beers later on in the evening were well deserved and rather yummy)...........Oh Canada...........Diz

This is Becker.......he is doing the "Beatles Thing" - drinking his scotch and coke......looking good Kev! I lift my glass to you!...Diz