Computers - the bane of stupid people's existence

"My theory is if you can't even turn the computer on, then you shouldn't get to use one. I serve as the unofficial tech person for our division because 1. I can read directions, 2. I know a printer from my scanner, 3. I know how to turn my computer on. Other than that – I am rather ignorant with this complex piece of crap that we all can’t do our jobs without. I am surrounded by idiots. I wish this were a tale of just one moron, but it is about 3 people. The first lady is about 55 and as high strung as a cat in a blender. She calls with the following complaint, "I can't print." No problem I think, we all just got new computers with the "fancy" flat panel monitors and new printers. I figure there is a mix up in the process of hooking up the new ones. I walk in and she says, "Fellow D (yes-she calls me Fellow D!), “so and so” told me to hit print and when I do, nothing happens." Okay, “so-and-so” doesn’t normally fall in the moron category – so I figured IT MUST be something other than human error. After much fooling around with the computer and crawling on the ground looking for the disconnected wire, I discover the problem when I asked her to "hit print" one more time. Right there in front of me she reaches up and literally hits print on her screen. These are not interactive screens, they are simply flat panels. I see the moment in which I can humiliate her and say no hit harder. So there she is tapping her little heart out on her monitor. I laughed right in her face and explained how to use a mouse.

The second is a young 30 year old who has been around computers her entire working career. She calls in a panic "I have a non-system disc error!" Of course I note the panic and say calmly, "Eject the disc." She starts cursing at me about how I think computers are so simple and that I am stupid and she will get the lady down the hall to help her. Of course the lady down the hall and I are mortal enemy's because she leads the ignorant brigade in the office. Can you believe it took her 3 hours to fix her problem? The worst part was that she was bragging about how kind she was and when I wouldn't come help her she did. Ahhh, how generous of her to eject her disk. Morons. Third: My boss gets a new laptop and a docking station including a new flat panel monitor. She calls, "My new monitor isn't hooked up right, it won't turn on." I go down and ignorantly search for a problem. Then it dawns on me, she never turned it on. For some reason she thought the new monitor would immediately power up like her old one. It never dawned on her to push the power button. I left a Post-it-Note shaped like an arrow with the following note: "If this button is not green, you must push it. Green indicates that the monitor is on." Oh, boy did I get in trouble because I once again over simplified the problem.

No need to thank me…………………Diz