Dizzy's Daily

OH SHIT........................................

2008-06-24T09:47:00.001-07:00

My new mantra:

Live your life in such a way that when your feet hit the floor in the morning, Satan shudders & says...

'Oh shit...she's awake!!

And I am!..........Diz

Just Because...

2008-05-08T14:57:00.000-07:00

Just because it is MY Friday from work..........and I have had a week from hell - I have taken a few moments and thought of 7 things that I want to curse "someone" with. I predict within the next full month - each one of these will happen at least once to "this person".....Don't piss me off - I'll curse you next.....DIZ
1. Will be severly burned in a fire.
2. Will be invvolved in a severe auto accident (with injuries, or multiple cars, etc. - not minor fender bender)
3. Flooding
4. Building Collapse
5. Injury/Death to a useful appendage
6. Water Main break
7. Become a victim of Crimes (muggings, riots/big fights & brawls, shootings, etc.)

Tomatoes....

2008-05-08T14:50:00.000-07:00

I really wish some people (my boss!) had the life span of a tomato!
I know - that is hurtful to all the tomatoes in the world - oh well - Diz

A week-end quote:

2008-04-16T15:16:00.000-07:00

Here is a wwek-end quote from Jonsey..................

"NEVER PUSH A DEAD HORSE!"

I'm not sure what that means - cause I don't think I would even approach a dead horse to start with let alone push it - and why would you push it? If you know it's dead - why bother the poor thing.............Diz

Dizzy's Daily -

2008-04-16T15:12:00.000-07:00

"Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warm feeling it brings" - I think I've felt that a few times in my life...say no more.............Diz

Grandma's Boyfriend...

2008-04-02T13:46:00.000-07:00

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'
Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'
The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'
The minister fainted.
Now, that's funny... I don't care WHO you are....Diz

One of the even Dwarfs...

2008-04-02T13:40:00.000-07:00

There I was on my way to work ... getting into a fight was the farthest thing from my mind ... wasn't even on the horizon . I was in a great mood and then ... I rear-ended a car!!So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car ...
(and you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed?).Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it . he was a DWARF! He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'So, I look down at him and said, 'Well, which one are you then?'
..... .and that's when the fight started .

So politically incorrect!.................Diz

Old People.............

2008-04-02T13:29:00.000-07:00

OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'We even called u p Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbour?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

Don't you hate it when that happens?.........Diz

Dizzy's Daily -

2008-03-18T08:58:00.000-07:00

When I was young there was no respect for the young. Now that I am old, there is no respect for the old. I missed out coming and going!" - J.B. Priestly -

What song is this.....and DON'T CHEAT BY USING THE INTRNET!

2008-02-14T10:21:00.000-08:00

Here's a little quiz for ya'll - what song is this and by who? (The answer to the name of the song is within the words of the song.............and DON'T CHEAT!) Let's see just how good your music IQ is!.....................Singin' to myself - DIZ

What I'm really wanting
A brand new machine
One for converting
Plastic to dreams
If you ride upon the tiger
you can never get off
They get hungry

One thing is certain
All the rest are lies
Beautiful and damned ones
Never realize
That the dark is light enough
To see the ignorance of greed
Still she cries
(Chrous-below)
Come on, come on, get up
I wanna take you
Away from all of this
And what has got you
Lost and feeling down
You just get it off your back
Let it fly away

Poetry in motion
Counting out the beats
To hear a voice in every mind
Sounding out retreat
And as they run
They look behind
To see what tempts the wandering eye
Still she cries
(Chorus)
Trouble with the life
Of the Emperor's new mind
Casual veiwin' in spite of
What gets left behind
Gentlemen you may include me out
Ladies please accept my bow
Still she cries
(Chorus)

Perfect People...

2008-02-06T13:53:00.000-08:00

I’m a big fan of the English. Hell - I married one! They are highly civilized, rich in culture and history. (Even if this is only in their own minds). If only they’d learn to drive correctly and speak the language properly, they’d be a perfect people. Cheerio............Diz

WHOA.............Retro or WHAT?!?

2008-01-31T08:25:00.000-08:00

The Amigos are heading out this week-end for their 20th Anniversary trip to Montana. Check out the "20 years ago pic" (1988-duh!) (hence the retro! Look at Uncle Al!!!!! He's got HAIR!) AND - some of my first art work................geez - that's almost embarrassing!!!!! Enjoy!

Feeling OLD!........................Diz

YIKES!

2008-01-29T08:01:00.000-08:00

Hey – guess what? Woke up yesterday morning and our furnace had not been running since God knows when in the night! It was 5 degrees in our house! With the wind chill was minus 57 celcius outside! (Our thermometer indoor/outdoor - which is digital - isn't even registering the outside temperatures!) The boys didn’t notice – they had their heaters on! Poor Jerry (the guinea pig) – wasn’t too happy! I just laid on the couch with him all snuggly in the blanket for most of the day – (mid-afternoon) – putting him back for a pee or whatever – every now and again. He kept me warm – I kept him warm! Dave is off because the Grade 12’s are doing exams – and he was walking around with a toque, gloves and a down vest! I had “heater slippers” the heating pad – and three heaters pointed at me – while I was on the couch – with 3 blankies – pillow – drank LOTS of coffee with Bailey’s and then tea (the caffeine was starting to make me jittery – and that’s not good when one has a pig on their lap! Don’t go there Jonsey! The Bailey’s? Well - that just kept me warm!) As I said - I had to stay home and wait for the furnace guy…..he was REALLY good and (not good looking – or anything else – just good at the furnace thing!) gave me tips on how to deal with an older furnace and said we probably have at least another 2 years with it…..regardless – it took almost – well it did take the whole day for our house to warm up! I woke up this morning and swore that the thing had gone off again – I think I am shell shocked or something! (More like or something!) This deep freeze does not look like it is going anywhere any time soon! You Amigo Eastern guys....................skiing in February? We get REALLY cold temperatures in February................maybe Montana won't be so bad - keep your fingers crossed! Cause this isn't breaking up any time soon as I said before....................sitting with my hand in my armpits.....................DIZ

A little gadget for the Amigos......

2008-01-24T13:03:00.000-08:00

Something to look at for your ski trip Amigo guys..................not sure if this will work with a laptop though! CHEERS! Diz

Yup - Diz

2008-01-24T12:57:00.000-08:00

A couple of words for Ya'll

2008-01-24T08:03:00.000-08:00

Word/Expression #1: "A BADUNKADUNK BUTT":
ADJ,: The greater than averaged sized booty of a female when in motion. The booty makes 2 moves. 1st, badunk(up) and 2nd,adunk(down).
Damn, did you see the booty on that one..it was like....badunkadunk!

Word/Expression #2: "Car Booger"
Noun,: A chunk of ice or hard slush, usually dark brown, which is found in the middle of, or alongside, the road in winter, having fallen off a passing car. It builds up like a stalactite behind the wheel from dirty road slush being thrown up there and sticking.

Dear Uncle Pete... Weather was a bit warmer today so car boogers were in evidence everywhere on the roads... kids were dodging cars and running out to kick them apart on their way home from school.... p.s. Mom's hemorrhoids are acting up again.

"a ba duh"...(what were you thinking!)................DIZ

Two Cows...

2008-01-17T10:45:00.000-08:00

Two cows were standing in a field.

Daisy says to Dolly: “I was artificially inseminated this morning!”

Dolly responds with: “NO WAY! I don’t believe you!”

Daisy answers: “It’s TRUE! NO BULL!”

(Just seemed like a thing to say today………………Diz!)

Whaaaaaaaa?

2008-01-16T14:52:00.000-08:00

You know - I should just leave everything to the monkeys to do. At least they'd have fun doing it! And that goes for anything that needs to be done - housework, shovelling, work work, what ever! Diz

My Favourite MS Error Messages

2008-01-10T10:04:00.000-08:00

Here are a few of my favourite MS error messages:

Yup............................Diz

Cliches are NONSENSE!

2008-01-10T09:34:00.000-08:00

See - I like to peruse and find strange things to think about - then my brain goes into over drive and then you get a "Dizzy Blog". Today it's on cliches!

"You Can't Take It With You When You Die": Well - that depends on what it is! Don't you think? If it's a wonderful outfit that you have always loved - of course take it with you (wear it!), you can even put things in your pockets - or have someone withdraw all your money and place it in the coffin with you. If they happen to steal some along the way - make sure to come back and haunt them.

"You Learn Something New Everyday": Actually, you learn something old every day. Just because you've learned it doesn't mean it's new. Other people already knew it - so it's old. Columbus is a great example of this.

"Tomorrow Is Another Day": Not necessarily true. Today is another day. We have no idea what tomorrow is going to be. It might turn out to be another day, but we can't be sure. If it happens, I'll be the first to say so. But you know what? By that time, it will be today again.

"Those Were The Days": No......WRONG! Those were the NIGHTS! Think back. Weren't the nights better? Days you had to work. Nights were parties, dancing, drinking, and getting a little action where ever! So - "THOSE WERE THE NIGHTS!"

"If It's Not One Thing, It's Another": No, not always. Sometimes if it's not one thing, not only is it another, but it turns out to be something else entirely.

"Nobody Ever Said Life Was Fair": I specifically remember as I was growing up, at least 5 different people telling me that life was fair. One put it this way: "Life, you will find, is fair". Oddly enough - all those 5 people are now dead, and they died before the age of 23.

" You Can't Have It Both Ways": That depends on how intimately you know the other person. Maybe you can't have it both ways at once, but if you've got a little time, you can probably have it six or seven ways!

"It Takes Two To Tango": Sounds good, but simple reasoning will reveal that actually it only takes one to tango. It does take two to tango together. But one person is certainly capable of tangoing on his/her own. Ya just might look a tad silly!

"What You Don't Know, Won't Hurt You": Why don't we just ask Julias Caesar and John F. Kennedy? Or Martin Luther King?

"Life Is Short": Sorry - Life IS NOT short, it's just that everything else lasts so long - mountains, rivers, stars, planets, parrots, turtles. Actually life lasts just the right amount of time. Until you die.

Death on the other hand.........is very, very, very short. Diz

I'M BAAAAAAAAAAAACK

2008-01-09T12:33:00.000-08:00

Okay - so it has been like ages since I have been here...............or there for that matter. I had a little unexpected melt down........like I felt like I was the nickel being crapped out of the beaver's butt.............but I'm more back, I'm more better, I'm more aloof, and of course I am more dizzy! I thought that I would share a few things that I have learned whilst I was away picking at my own brain with instruments like a garden spike, q-tips, folded pieces of paper (the noise is very relaxing!) all alone in my own little world.
1. I have learned that if you wait long enough - there will come a time when your nose will need to be picked.
2. I have learned that eating asparagus makes my pee smell.
3. I have learned that kids are VERY strange and extremely irrational - anyone over 30 should stay away from kids under 30!
4. I have learned that it takes over 2 days for a dandylion to die after applying Kill-ex!
5. I have learned that the faster I move - the faster my heart beats, and the more deaf I become. (What?)
6. I have learned that the faster I eat the faster I lose that eating. (Crap!)
7. I have learned that I hate the cold.
8. I have learned that if you listen hard enough - you can actually hear fish spit!
9. I have learned that time does not heal all wounds.
10. I have learned that if you laugh for a week and a half solid - your sides will actually ache and you may start to develop some abs!
11. I have learned that I CAN live alone and I LOVE IT!
12. I have learned that dishes that remain in the sink, don't wash themselves, though they seem to do that for other members of a household.
13. I have learned that dust gets in an on the light switches of your home.
14. I have learned that most heart attacks do not have similar symptoms. (I think I am having one now!)
15. I have learned that no matter how much wisdom you pass on to your children - they hold on to approx. 0.005% of what they have been told.
16. I have learned that F*** YOU! is not an appropriate response to give a solicitor.
17. I have learned that when one loses weight, one also gets treated VERY differently than before you lost weight!
18. I have learned that I will never look like Liz Taylor or Marlon Brando no matter how hard I try. (Anf why would I want to anyways?)
19. I have learned that some people just do not want to be helped and just like to wallow in self pity.
20. I have learned to never take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
21. I have learned that the reason I never can seem to reach my full potential at work can be summed up by two words: (a) Bitches, and (b) meetings.
22. I have learned that I love music that reminds me of rainbows and butterflies on crack.
23. I have learned that there is a very fine line between a hobby and an obsession.
24. I have learned that too many people have confused there career with their lives.
25. I have learned that being bored stiff for a week or so is a good thing.
26. I have learned that I get pushed so far - then I don't give a shit - so stop talking to me!
27. I have learned that I love to talk - even if no one is around to listen to me!
28. I have learned that I crack myself up at least 4 times a day - and I mean to the point of tears! Man I have a great sense of humour!
29. I have learned that I have some REALLY great friends, and they all make me laugh (some for very different reasons that may only be funny to me!)
30. I have learned that the best advice I could ever receive is from anything non-human.
31. I have learned that milk tastes like aluminium if you drink it after brushing your teeth with minty toothpaste.
32. I have learned that if you start a painting with a drink (or other) - you must finish the painting with a drink (or other). If you start a painting sober - than it should be completed sober.
33. I have learned that my last pee before I go to bed at night is actually close to 7 pees. See - I have learned that the bladder changes as one ages as well!
34. I have learned that males really have terrible bathroom and hygiene issues.
35. I have learned that if you cough hard enough - you can piddle in your pants. (It's that age and bladder thing again).
36. I have learned that if you stand with your arms raised on the scale - you will show as being a pound or 2 lighter!
37. I have learned that if I see a "CAUTION-WET FLOOR" sign - it's probably best to obey it!
38. I have learned that if you use a security camera as a mirror - you could really makes someone's day!
39. I have learned that breaking out in song in the middle of a store, when you are with others, is not an appropriate thing to do.
40. I have learned that "A dab will not do you".
41. I have learned that Bailey's in your morning coffee, every day - does not make you an alcoholic - just a much happier person for an hour or two, then the headache starts - but there are pills for that!
42. I have learned that someone should invent a musical recliner. (Or do they have those already?)
43. I have learned that I do not look like Madonna when I put funnels under my shirt - no matter what size!
44. I have learned that those voices that I always thought were in my head - have now moved into my personal space, and they have become much louder.
45. I have learned that no one will make me a meal - even if I grovel and sniffle.
46. I have learned that if you lean in real close when painting with acrylics - you can catch a wiff of a poo like scent.
47. I have learned that no matter how much you sniff white out - it doesn't get you high.
48. I have learned that I love to smell stuff!
49. I have learned that squirrels move like G.I. Joe.
50. I have learned that some people are just plain rude and uncivilized. (Actually - this was just re-confirmed......I really already knew that.....how do you think I melted down?)
51. I have learned that when you lose weight - your feet also lose weight and you need to not only buy new clothes but new shoes too!
52. I have learned that nothing much turns me on. (or off)
53. I have learned that if you want to be left alone - just start crying - it'll clear the room.
54. I have learned that some people just can't learn.
55. I have not learned when to stop anything....................DIZ

It's been a while........

2007-09-11T12:35:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I have written anything - I think my burn out is worse than ever - and I want to jump off of the lip of a crater into some boiling lava! THERE! Bet you missed me...Diz

People Who Are Skilled At Bending The Law

2007-08-22T12:41:00.000-07:00

People who are skilled at bending the law earn oodles of money and we call them barristers.
People who are skilled at breaking the law earn nothing and we call them crooks.
People who are skilled at observing people who are skilled, laugh behind their backs and quite honestly see no difference.

JUST CHEERS!

2007-07-30T14:32:00.001-07:00

CHEERS!!!!

Just having one of those days.....

2007-07-19T13:45:00.000-07:00

I knew the week was gonna go downhill on Tuesday - when I arrived at work and thought thru-out the whole day - that it was actually Wednesday. I realized I was incorrect by the time it was time to pack up.

Today I have a REALLY bad headache - ya - a migraine - and I am having migraine thoughts - it has been building since Monday... I want to drop kick everyone I see that talks to me. EVERYBODY SHUT IT!!! Just let me listen to my music and bounce on my yoga ball chair (it's a lovely purple colour....but doesn't do anything for my bladder - old people need to sit on more solid chairs....when you sit on something like a yoga ball - the signals being sent to your brain are that you are on the toilet.... maybe that just happens to me!?... and I can't "just sit" on it - I have to bounce - great for the glutes - not so great for the headache!), but no - people keep interrupting me as I listen to a GREAT song..."Fellow D" this and "Fellow D", that - some people just CAN'T SHUT THEIR MOUTHS! Geez - my co-worker has come and talked to me more today than EVER! I actually had a bit of a disco dance in the middle of the hallway with another chick - the funny part was that I was listening to a song on my headphones - and she couldn't hear it - but was dancing in tune - so I joined her.... now people truly believe I have completely lost it!

Lost it? Yes - Up to this point I have lost 16 lbs. Gained one pound in Vegas - must of been the booze - couldn't have been the food - we never ate! My mouse died as well - my computer mouse at work that is...I was sent a new rodent - but since I had "the talk" with my old mousey - he seems to be behaving...I threatened to have him "put down" and replaced with a much sleeker mousey - my new mouse is named Duke. The old mouse is named Arnie. (Ooooo-Great Big Sea is playing - gotta stop typing and bounce a bit...."if your in the swing.......see chameleon lying there in the sun...run run away.....if you've got it sussed.....run run away...I like black and white...run run away...la la la la la la la la la la run run away!")

Big threatening thunderstorm warning happening for Edmonton - probably end up with a tornado - I hate thunderstorms - they make me want to run and hide and poo my pants...well not poo my pants intentionally - it's just so damn scarey! Speaking of pooing - I was told to buy a certain herbal tea to drink - for the bowels - nothing EVER works on me - laxatives? Not even a dent. Prune juice - I drank a whole bottle and just felt like my tongue swelled up to twice the size it should have been and my teeth were gonna fall out....but no BM. (So - was I supposed to use the prunce juice as an enema? Did I do it wrong?) So - I figured it would be the same with this tea. I had a cup at around 8:00 pm one night. Well - 3:30 am I was awakened with a start - and I had the best poo that I have ever had in my life! EVER! I just thought I would share that with you - you all can be assured that the Diz is no longer full of crap!...Diz

BACK FROM VEGAS...

2007-07-17T08:19:00.000-07:00

(JNote the Ski Amigo garb on Tim?) Yes - we have made it back alive from Vegas. Gotta go back...saw MANY things that one would probably ONLY see in Vegas....(like something "sexual" in a car - right on The Strip!) That was just Jill and I - Kev and Tim were off to a Beatles Convention....they got to talk to and an autograph from - Pete Best (I know I shouldn't have to explain to you who he is - but I seem to have come to realize that MOST people I work with are THICK! They have NO IDEA who Pete Best is! He is the "original" Beatle drummer - before Ringo - yes - there was a "before" Ringo!), after waiting 45 minutes in a line up. Jill and I after drinking copious amounts of alcohol - and needing food - stopped at a Japanese restaurant and guess who was at the table next to us? Pete Best! We took pictures of their group at the table, it was a couple of guys who had won a contest on the radio, and Pete and his brother Rogue were having lunch with them...one thing led to another and Jill and I had our pic taken with Pete...yes - we are on a first name basis....you see - when Rogue (one more person I am on a first name basis with!) was taking our picture - I had no where to place my hand - so I stuck it on his ass! YES! I GRABBED PETE BEST'S ASS! He had a nice bum for an old guy!

Then - off to some weird Karoke Bar - where there was a bad Elvis heading up this singing show. We stood outside and there was an absolute gorgeous black guy singing some real "smooth" song....I was mesmerized...Jill and I wanted to take him back to the hotel with us and have him sing us to sleep...(minds out of the gutter - just a song to drift off with)...I was whistling and just before he finshed I shouted out - "MARRY ME!"...ya - Diz was having FUN! If Tim would have been there - I would have been stifled - he doesn't like it when I have MY form of fun! THEN we went into the bar and when some old guy was singing a twisting song - I got up on stage and danced with the bad Elvis! That was a party in itself! (Another thing that probably would not have happened if "Big Brother" was watching....(I mean Tim!). Nearing the end of that day - I went into a Men's washroom - and wondered why there weren't more stalls - (didn't realize 'til I came out!!) and while in there doing what I needed to do - found that I had been wearing my shorts backwards the whole day! Obvious - Jill never really looked at MY BUM! But even if she had noticed - she probably would not have told me! I had my picture taken with Pete Best by his GORGEOUS brother Rogue - with my shorts on backwards! Booze does great things to one's brain....(I was the only one out of the 4 that actually made a "drinking trip" out of this...the other three - OLD WOOSES!!!!!)

The temperature on the strip one day was 52 degrees Celcius- that is 125 degrees F! Money had melted INTO the sidewalk! Seriously! It was like being in a blast furnace - thank God for air conditioning!

Oh ya - we also took a trip over the Grand Canyon in an airplane...one day - I'll post some pics! Back to "same old-same old" routine - and the house was still in one piece when we returned! still dealing with holiday hangover...Diz

Leaving for Vegas...

2007-06-28T13:59:00.000-07:00

The Beckers and The Fords are heading to VEGAS! Tim will be playing the penny slots while the rest of us get drunk and just play! My motto this week is: Ashes to Ashes, Dust To Dust, Life is too short - so Party We Must! And WE SHALL! As long as I don't melt in 115 degree temperatures! I'll feel like the wicked witch of the west from the Wizard of Oz - "I'm Melting! I'm Melting!" (I know - before anyone else says it - what do you mean WILL FEEL LIKE......my broom is parked at the back door!) I am not sure how much info I will devulge upon my return - cause as the saying goes - "I'm leaving it there!" Or something like that! Cheers and getting my slot arm stronger day by day...Diz

Thoughts for the week-end:

2007-06-28T13:58:00.000-07:00

1. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
2. When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."
3. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?
4. Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
5. My husband says I never listen to him. At least I think that's what he said.
6. If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!
7. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
8. Most Of All, Remember . . .A Friend Is Like A Good Bra. Hard to Find, Supportive, Comfortable, And Always Close To Your Heart!

Mammograms.....

2007-06-13T14:20:00.000-07:00

As one gets older (females), we are informed that we need to have our breasts examined. Not the kind of examination that we would give ourselves - the type of exam that they have written of in books on "self breast examination". That is a rather mild procedure. Now we are at the age of the Mammogram. It makes me think of a telegram, or now days - a fax. Yes - Our boobs get squished down to the size of a piece of paper - just like a fax! ("Fax Boy" would have a new occupation - one I am sure he would REALLY enjoy! Good 'ole "Fax Boy" - but that's another story for another day!) I truly think the Mammogram was invented by some man - no - a boy who became a man - after spending hours at a male only boarding school cause he was caught looking under the girls dresses with a mirror. "Damn My MOTHER!" that boy said - "I will one day get my revenge!" And he invented the mammogram machine! And not just the machine is all wrong - but the people who run those machines are like young ladies - barely over twenty - and more than perky..........ummmm - in more ways than one!..........ya..............that's what I wanted to do when I was young - flatten old ladies already sagging boobs - like slamming them into the refridgerator door - and then on top of that leaning down - just to give it that bit more mush - then locking it in place. Being well endowed - doesn't make it any easier - it just makes it easier to lay the boob on the "tray" in front of you - but believe you me - there is MORE TO SQUISH - and I don't think that I have had my boobs handled in such a manner since I was in Grade 7 and had a guy named "Bubbles" as a boyfriend...(a newfie - need I say more?) They should have trial runs for Mammograms....a "Mammogram Boot Camp" - ya - I'd be the first to sign up....DIZ

WOW!

2007-05-22T15:09:00.000-07:00

And I thought I had issues! WOW! Diz

Man.....too much time to let me wonder.....

2007-05-22T10:35:00.000-07:00

1) Ever wonder if you can cry underwater?
2) Ever wonder why they make bread square - and snadwich meat round?
3) Ever wonder why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
4) Ever wonder that once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
5) Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
6) Ever wonder what cured ham had in the first place?
7) Ever wonder how it is that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
8) Ever wonder why it is that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
9)Ever wonder why people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
10) Ever wonder why doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
11)Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
Ever wonder why my brain never stops?....maybe I'd get some work done...DIZ

And from George Carlin...

2007-05-22T10:26:00.000-07:00

If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
If a no-armed man has a gun, is he armed?
If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?
If firefighters fight fires and crime fighters fight crime, what do freedom fighters fight?
If you put a slinky on an escalator, would it go forever?
If all babies are cute why are there so many ugly people in the world?
What's another word for thesaurus?
If you cross a four leaf clover with poison ivy, would you get a rash of good luck?
Who is more foolish, the fool, or the fool who follows him?
When Dr. Kevorkian watches ER does he root against the doctors?
Why do they have Braille number pads at drive-through bank machines?
Is it ok to go door-to-door selling "No Soliciting" signs?
If it was a 3 hour cruise, why did Mrs. Howell have so many clothes?
Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
Why is back pain medication always on the bottom shelf?
If talk is cheap, why is my phone bill so high?
If someone comes up to you and tells you that they're an obsessive compulsive liar, how do you know they're telling the truth?
How can you tell if Don King is having a bad hair day?
Should bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?
If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how do you know if it's wrong?
Do bleached blondes just pretend to have more fun?
Did the early settlers ever go on camping trips?
Why are the other lines always moving faster-until you get into one of them?
How can a person get a life sentence & be eligible for parole in 15 years?
.....it just makes me wonder more...DIZ

Bed Making – Yes or No?

2007-05-22T10:23:00.001-07:00

There are two kinds of people in this world – those who make their beds in the morning – hospital corners and all – and those who don’t. I am a “DON’T” person – I mean – after a long day at work – having to come home – deal with family issues – or family at all – (some days I would like to come home – and crawl into a bubble…I can watch what is happening around me – but not have to participate…I ALWAYS get pulled into daily crap…my own fault – but none the less – ANNOYING!) – bathing and then it’s bed time – I really couldn’t care a less whether the bed has been nicely put together that morning – and you could bounce a quarter off of the sheets – or they have all been pushed to the bottom of the bed – all in a wrinkled pile. A bed is a bed – regardless of how it was left that morning. As long as I don’t see roaches, any coloured stains or someone I don’t know in my bed – I am crawling in – I go into hibernation mode and the next morning it all starts again! So – I say to those bed making people – spend the extra 5 minutes laying in bed in the morning – it could be your sanity saver……..it’s definitely one of mine…Diz

When did I become a DUDE?

2007-05-17T14:45:00.000-07:00

Okay – so – I have been through and am still going thru this teenage boy thing. All of a sudden my sweet little boys hit those teen years – and mother – well – she becomes more of an annoyance that they have to mumble responses to every now and again. The words “I don’t know?” Come out something like “I uh oh?” Kind of all blended together…no individual words. Once those teen years hit - their hormones surging through their bodies have cut a path through the speech center in their brains; their mouths, when they speak at all, produces mere shrunken shreds of complete sentences apparently understood only by other members of this species. Sometimes it’s just an audible grunt…the grunt can mean approval – or not. Messages that are left are written like something a caveman would put on a cave wall. “i’m out…will b L8. r u ok with that?” Well – whether or not I am “okay with that” makes NO difference! Do what you need to do buddy! My sweet l’il guys have suddenly become strange slouching creatures, with some sort of stubble that might get shaved if there is a female involved on that day…otherwise – I’ll just look like they drove through a puddle of mud with their head out a window - mud on their upper lip and cheeks. “S’up”, “My bad” and “Burn” have become the three most common words in my house. While I am trying my best to keep wrinkles and sagging from happening with age – here I have a 15 year old that wears gravity defying pants – sort of looks like he’s wearing a “big boy diaper”. I mentioned that the other day to him – “Snort-Grunt” was the answer I got! What more should I have expected? Not sure if it was approval – but almost certain it wasn’t! My 18 year old – adolescence has left him incapable of living like a civilized human being! I mean – he’ll eat all the food in the refrigerator – but not know how to close a door, he’ll spend an hour in the shower – but has no idea how to hang up a wet towel. I so understand now why some species eat their young! It is to avoid adolescence! I mean – I totally agree with cutting the apron strings – but to have them severed? And to have something that used to be at the other end become so incredibly Neanderthal…..and then have the audacity to tell ME to “Act normal”? And yes – the line was actually “Dude…why can’t you act normal?” So when did I actually become a “dude?” The dictionary says that a “dude” is a “guy”, “fellow” or “man”! I gave birth to these morons – I AM NOT A DUDE! Yes – those good ‘ole apron strings – I think I’ll hang on to them for a while longer – maybe in 20 years from now – these boys will “be normal” – or I may just have to use those apron strings to choke’ em! Enjoying life…DIZ

More interesting facts - other than knowing that I am worth $19.95!

2007-05-16T12:20:00.000-07:00

1) If I were a sport - I would be hockey! (Ice hockey...for those of foreign extraction! Not from Canada eh?) You see I am tough and I am not afraid to put my body on the line...and what position would I be - well of course goalie - cause I really am not much of a real team player.
2) My wrestler name would either be Ivory Chainsaw or Velvet Nightmare.
3) I am 72% gross! I like to get down and dirty - so to speak!
4) What holds the keys to my heart? Never allow me to become bored...(that's just trouble!)...you can not have the need to be constantly re-assured....I don't do re-assurance. I like laughter and will find humour even at the most inappropriate times...if you don't enjoy this sort of out of place reactions - GET AWAY FROM ME NOW!
5) If I was a margarita - I would be a Lime Margarita. Realistic and grounded, and have energy to tackle all obstacles that stand in my way. I am hyper and driven - I hate incompetence - especially incompetant drunks!
6) My element is Air. I dislike conflict and I am able to rise above the angst of the world. I can be easygoing (just don't piss me off!) and I find joy in the simplest things in life! (Yes - I have been known to take pictures of clouds - approximately 117 in one day!)
7) I am 48% selfish. That means I am quite balanced and am able to compromise when it is important to those around me...but I am NO PUSHOVER!
8) I am 33% Pure. (What the heck that means..........I DON'T KNOW...maybe if I were a higher percentage of Pure - I would understand!)
9) I am 93% brutally honest. I tell it like it is. Even if it is hard for people to hear. Ya - I like to make people cry!
10) My breasts are named Breastasaurus (right one) and Love Muffin (left one).
11) I am 93% bi-polar! (Like any one who knows me didn't know THAT!) I am a tad unstable and moody (and you all thought is was just PMS!)
12) If I was to actually have the perfect career - it would be as a Joke Writer! Yes - I feel I am totally hilarious - and I find humour in ANY situation. Whether I am spouting off zingers, comebacks or jokes about life...I keep 'em laughing!
Will NEVER remain a mystery......................DIZ

19.95

2007-05-11T18:37:00.000-07:00

A few things you may have missed re: The Diz:

2007-05-09T14:39:00.000-07:00

Here are a few facts about me that - well - you may never had actually noticed about me:
1) My brain is 47% female and 53% male.............that explains a few things doesn't it?
2) My hidden talents are interpersonal relations and dealing with people. Apparently I have a calming presence?! Ya - people CRAVE my praise and compliments!
3) If I were a pie - I would be pumpkin pie. Even if people are full - they ALWAYS have room for me!
4) My pirate name is "Bloody Flirty Fran". (Also rhymes with All Bran!)
5) My last words will most likely be: "I can jump now - I trust the bungee rope!" Either that or - "I can pass that guy!" - I'm not sure how - as I do not drive a vehicle!
6) I will die at the age of 73. I am not sure if that is physically or mentally - cause mentally - I think I have already moved to the next dimension!
7) I am 36% Paranoid Schizophrenic! You thought it was more didn't you!?
8) I would sell out for $1,084,347.00! Maybe for an extra 2 cents I would sell it ALL!
9) My deadly sins percentage is as follows: Sloth: 60%, Gluttony: 40%, Envy: 0%, Greed: 0%, Lust: 0%, Pride: 0%, Wrath: 0%, Chance that I will go to Hell: 14%. I don't believe in Wrath!
10) I am 15% redneck.
11) I am 89% Gemini (Funny that............you'd think it would be 100% - cause I am a Gemini!)
12) If I were a muppet - I would be "Animal". A complete lunatic, and I operate on 100% animal instinct. I thrive on uncontrolled energy and I can be downright scary.
13) My vampire name is: Concubine of the Underworld..........(I think that's more my boss than me!)
14) If I were born in the year 2893, my name would be Vuis Kiku and I would be telepathic...(TELEPATHIC - not PATHETIC!)
15) My quirk factor is 89%. I am so quirky that it is hard to tell the difference between quirky and normal. And that my friends...you already knew!.....Cheers Diz

What The......?

2007-04-30T10:42:00.000-07:00

Okay - now I know teens will be teens....but really - I NEVER thought that my life would end up being as such when I had kids. Okay - Nick (18 yrs. ) did something, well - inappropriate - I asked the next day as he was sitting vegging on the couch - "Why the Hell did you do "the inappropriate thing" last night?" Wanna know what he answered me? Okay - here goes - "Mom - do you want to know the truth?" Okay - WHAT THE HELL? No - I would like you to tell me lies.....as many and as creative as you can possibly come up with! Do I want to know the truth? Man - life can be sooooooooooo strange in my house. Here's another.... we get home from work and go into the house - oh - let's say around 5:00 pm. Dave's home - but says Nick has gone out but didn't say when he would be back - or back at all! (Which in most cases - this happens every night). Regardless - Tim was in a rush that morning and he always grabs the newspaper from the mailbox in the morning....that morning...too busy - didn't happen. So instead of the morning - after work he heads for the front door - goes to get the mail and the paper and what do we find in our mailbox along with the newspaper and mail? A pair of socks! He looks at me and says - "Why are there a pair of socks in our mailbox?" He was confused - I was confused - and this was at the beginning of the week. Well - Nick hadn't really been home for more than like a 3 minute flash in and out for the past week - but last night - I sat him down - and among other things - I asked if he knew anything about socks in the mailbox...well - I guess I didn't really see the humour - until he absolutely lost it - major hysterics! (And we were supposed to be having a serious conversation!) I mean really - someone finding a pair of socks in one's mailbox is - to say the least rather funny! Needless to say - the heart to heart - mother/son talk was now over - because Nick could no longer get through ANY sentence without bursting into laughter! For some reason - today - I find this also hilarious...last night - not so much.............at least my life isn't boring.......DIZ

Water vs Wine

2007-04-24T12:20:00.000-07:00

It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli (E. coli) bacteria found in feces.

In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poo. However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, beer or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

WATER = CRAP
WINE = HEALTH

It is better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.

Dizzy's Daily -

2007-04-17T12:26:00.000-07:00

"Sometimes you should swallow your pride - it isn't fattening!"...I've been swallowing more than just pride!...Diz

Dizzy's Daily -

2007-04-17T12:24:00.000-07:00

"To bad stupidity is not painful!"...yes...I said that...Diz

Dizzy's Daily -

2007-04-10T09:40:00.000-07:00

“Diplomacy is the art of letting some one else get your way”…..and I do….Diz!

Dizzy's Daily-

2007-04-05T13:00:00.000-07:00

You can't unscramble eggs! .....cracked.....Diz

Dizzy's Daily:

2007-04-03T14:59:00.000-07:00

"Some of us are like wheelbarrows - only useful when pushed and upset very easily!" (Today I am a wheelbarrow!)....Diz

AM I REALLY..........???????

2007-03-20T09:48:00.000-07:00

Questions.......
(1) Am I incessant?
(2) Am I insignificant?
(3) Am I out of my mind?
(4) Do I own anything? Is anything actually mine?
(5) Is there something wrong with me?
(6) Am I rude?
(7) Am I mean?
(8) Am I inconsiderate?
(9) Am I impulsive? and last of all...
(10) Am I totally off centre and does it affect anyone else's life?
......Having a moment of low self esteem...Diz

I'm BACK!!!!!

2007-03-19T10:22:00.000-07:00

Yes – The Diz is back…..I was away for a while had to have my belly button, buttoned – now I am as good as new – and ready to rant about….SAFETY!
Okay – do you EVER remember having to put on ANY kind of safety equipment when you were a kid – like to ride your bike, roller skate (and I’m talking about those skates that fit over your runners here!) or do you remember anyone worrying about drinking from the hose, or what the toy you purchased was packaged in – because God forbid you should let your child play with a box!!!!!
I mean – most of the time as I headed out the door – was on my bike and ready to go warp speed down the hill to the park – the last thing I would hear from my mother was “Watch Out for the Car on your way out of the drive way!” She was never concerned about a brain injury – or a scraped knee – she was worried about the Galaxy 500 parked in the driveway!
We always knew to be home by supper (5:00 pm) – or we went without…..cel phones? I mean – why would ANYONE want to get a hold of a child during “playtime!” Ya – we all think that we are creating independent kids……independent to what? No matter – where – when – how – who – you ALWAYS know what your kid is doing, with who/when and why! Would you have wanted your mother knowing ALL that about you? NOT!
I totally understand the need for safety….but I think we have become a tad neurotic about it – I mean – helmets, knee pads, wrist guards, safety edges for any hard corners, safety plugs for outlets, special straws that prevent the hiccups because kids drink their Kool-Aid too quickly, safety rails for the beds, safety straps in grocery carts….I could go on – but I shan’t. I think that we should be a little more concerned as to what is going INTO these brains, rather than brain injuries. I mean – how many times can you remember REALLY bad scrapes on your knees? Elbows? Toes? Hands? (from putting them in front of you when you fall). You may have tried the same “trick” again – the one that got you those scrapes – but you always thought out what you may have done wrong – and you knew Not TO TRY IT AGAIN that WAY! We are breeding a whole generation of wimps!
I mean – if I would have never stuck my head through the railing on the deck at 1-1/2 years old – and got it stuck – I would have tried it at 5 years old – if not 5 – then 10, if not 10 – then 15. And at 15 – my head was A LOT bigger – and believe me – I would still be there – cause if my head would have been stuck in a railing at 15 – NO ONE would have tried to save me. It was a little different at 1-1/2 years old! But See? I learned from it and never tried it again! Maybe we should “try” and allow our children to live a little. Allow them to have pointy scissors, allow the pencil sharpener, allow elastics – and allow them to drink DIRECTLY from a pop can or a hose! How the hell is a child going to get their heads stuck in a railing when they are always wearing a helmet? Now there are also nice little “covers” for helmets so that they don’t look so dorky….I remember helmets being for “certain” kids who took the short yellow bus to school…we are raising a bunch of chicken kids – I mean – yes – once someone is big enough to ride a “proper bike” or to ride in the streets, then a helmet is warranted….don’t get me wrong – but there is a time and place for safety – and sterilizing pop cans so that germs don’t transfer to your child – or putting up safety rails on a bed that has a 6 inch drop?…..Learned thru MANY scrapes-DIZ

PERFECTION

2007-01-23T15:11:00.000-08:00

I am Nobody.

Nobody's Perfect...

Therefore, I must be PERFECT!

I am a MAGNET...

2007-01-23T09:32:00.000-08:00

Okay – I have come to the conclusion that I am an asshole magnet! Like you know – I walk into a bookstore – just looking for whatever – mostly something on sale – as soon as you pick up a book – WHAM! – some asshole bookstore worker approaches you and starts to tell you about the author, the story, the conflicts in the book, what style the book has been written in, etc. Well my response now is, “I guess I don’t need to buy this anymore – you have condensed the whole thing into some insignificant rambling, and I no longer feel the need to read-DUMB ASS!” Then there is “Those I.T. people” – what language are they speaking in? I understand that Boomhauer guy on King of The Hill more than I understand the language of “Those I.T. people”! You know the bane of my existence? It’s incompitence – laziness – whatever……….I mean I have been told that the male lion is the laziest mammal on the face of the Earth…..I never did agree to that – I always thought that professional musicians were the laziest mammals on Earth – next to teenagers – now I have come to the conclusions that Alberta Government Worker’s are #1! Now THAT is something to be proud of! And for some reason they think that I am the one to gravitate to to tell their sorry-assed, pathetic, mundane, life stories to. GAWD! I am an ASSHOLE MAGNET………..Diz

Mr. Bill puzzle solved by Onionhead!

2007-01-22T14:34:00.000-08:00

Okay - now I know what has happened to Mr. Bill.....Poor Mr. Bill - he needs an Intervention. I guess we should be looking for him in trash bins, under stairwells, in the ditch....But no matter where Mr. Bill is - his hair sure stays tidy! No longer perplexed...Diz

Just a little insight into Diz...

2007-01-17T09:50:00.000-08:00

I decided that I was a tad bored today – so I started thinking “stuff” .. ya – my mind is like a butterfly in a blender when I am bored…..I get very strange thoughts and very strange answers that come to me at the same time…my shrink says that’s called “psychosis”…..I call it normal.
1. If I could be a super hero – who would I be? I think I would be Ms. Invisible – I don’t think she actually exists in the super hero world – but she should!
2. What is my favourite dessert? It HAS to be my own home made chocolate cheescake. When I make it – it becomes a breakfast item!
3. My biggest pet peeve? Incompetence, Bull Shit and fake people. I can’t pick one……..they all drive me CRAZY!
4. Favourite place to travel? Las Vegas – if Bill and Kev ever get back to me! But the real one would have to be Destin, Florida…(like I have gone to sooooo many places in my life!)
5. My favourite childhood candy? It would have to be “Black Cat” squares (black licorice toffee square things!) or Root Beer Barrels, candy lips were pretty good too (yumm-wax!).
6. My favourite soap scent? It is definitely “Pear Linden” by Fruits of Passion. Pear Linden bubble bath, Pear Linden soap, Pear Linden cream and powder and a scotch (or 7 or 8) – that is the best way to end a day!
7. My favourite childhood toy? “Clackers” – if you need to ask – you missed out on a very cool toy that could break your wrist, fingers, etc. in a matter of seconds….also making this probably one of the only toys that will NEVER make a come back – due to the number of injuries it has and could inflict! (numchuks with a twist!)
8. If I were an animal – what would I be? A female Grizzly Bear…I already have all the traits – except hibernation is not allowed in the human population.
9. If I could invite a bunch of people to a dinner absolutely anyone…who would they be? Johnny Depp (he’s so yummy!), Marty Feldman, John Travolta, Einstein (I’d want to pick his brain about a few things!), all 4 Beatles, Judge Judy and maybe an elephant.
10. What is the oddest / most interesting dream I have ever had? Okay – after I asked myself that – something about insulated coffee cups, fish, a crab, feathers, an amputated foot, bright lights and a spinning feeling came over me. I don’t think I would like to go there – not just yet!
Trying not to give too much away…….Diz

What ever happened to.......

2007-01-17T08:59:00.000-08:00

WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO MR. BILL???????
OHHHHHHHH NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

When technology doesn't work so good.......

2007-01-02T11:51:00.000-08:00

HEY! I know it's a bit early - but here is a GREAT WAY to send messages whilst Ski Amigo-ing! Who needs technology! Or is this a message that was left from past years by the Amigos? A litle late in responding.......Diz

Yup - Jeff in his X-Mas Garb......

2007-01-02T11:45:00.000-08:00

Doesn't he just look wonderful in drag? He is ever so Christmassy!

Computers - the bane of stupid people's existence

2006-12-19T12:11:00.000-08:00

"My theory is if you can't even turn the computer on, then you shouldn't get to use one. I serve as the unofficial tech person for our division because 1. I can read directions, 2. I know a printer from my scanner, 3. I know how to turn my computer on. Other than that – I am rather ignorant with this complex piece of crap that we all can’t do our jobs without. I am surrounded by idiots. I wish this were a tale of just one moron, but it is about 3 people. The first lady is about 55 and as high strung as a cat in a blender. She calls with the following complaint, "I can't print." No problem I think, we all just got new computers with the "fancy" flat panel monitors and new printers. I figure there is a mix up in the process of hooking up the new ones. I walk in and she says, "Fellow D (yes-she calls me Fellow D!), “so and so” told me to hit print and when I do, nothing happens." Okay, “so-and-so” doesn’t normally fall in the moron category – so I figured IT MUST be something other than human error. After much fooling around with the computer and crawling on the ground looking for the disconnected wire, I discover the problem when I asked her to "hit print" one more time. Right there in front of me she reaches up and literally hits print on her screen. These are not interactive screens, they are simply flat panels. I see the moment in which I can humiliate her and say no hit harder. So there she is tapping her little heart out on her monitor. I laughed right in her face and explained how to use a mouse.

The second is a young 30 year old who has been around computers her entire working career. She calls in a panic "I have a non-system disc error!" Of course I note the panic and say calmly, "Eject the disc." She starts cursing at me about how I think computers are so simple and that I am stupid and she will get the lady down the hall to help her. Of course the lady down the hall and I are mortal enemy's because she leads the ignorant brigade in the office. Can you believe it took her 3 hours to fix her problem? The worst part was that she was bragging about how kind she was and when I wouldn't come help her she did. Ahhh, how generous of her to eject her disk. Morons. Third: My boss gets a new laptop and a docking station including a new flat panel monitor. She calls, "My new monitor isn't hooked up right, it won't turn on." I go down and ignorantly search for a problem. Then it dawns on me, she never turned it on. For some reason she thought the new monitor would immediately power up like her old one. It never dawned on her to push the power button. I left a Post-it-Note shaped like an arrow with the following note: "If this button is not green, you must push it. Green indicates that the monitor is on." Oh, boy did I get in trouble because I once again over simplified the problem.

No need to thank me…………………Diz

Merry X-Mas one and ALL!!!!!

2006-12-19T11:48:00.000-08:00

A Holiday Wish from my friend "Bill":

2006-12-19T09:27:00.000-08:00

For My Liberal Friends:
"Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. We also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the generally accepted calendar year 2007, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make Canada great. Not to imply that Canada is necessarily greater than any other country. And without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishes. By accepting these greetings you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for herself or himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher."

For My Conservative Friends: "Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!"

Jill
................Ditto..............Diz!

How NOT to argue with a teenager!

2006-12-18T10:35:00.000-08:00

Never– EVER should an adult – especially a parent get involved in a deep “rational” conversation with a child especially one who is a teen, without a prepared speech. Unless of course you like to be tortured, mentally – it’s like having the Chinese Water Torture done on your brain, or maybe instead of bamboo sticks under the finger nails – it’s bamboo sticks into your brain – through your ear canal! I have always believed in NOT YELLING at my children………..it was something that was the norm growing up. Now when I hear yelling – my blood pressure bubbles, and I can honestly say I start feeling nauseous…..but having teen children bring the best out of a parents character! I started yelling the other night – I even freaked myself out! Even the hubby who was standing next to me couldn’t believe what was coming out of my mouth. I mean – I was sooooooooooo incredibly pissed off – all the wrong words were coming out of my mouth! Things like “Do YOU THINK that I like to “mental” in your issues?” (The word I was looking for was meddle! And having a teen as my audience – this did not go un-noticed!) “You are making me so angry “right away” I could just “shit”! And ya – I probably meant to say “shit” – subconcsiously – but what I wanted him to hear was “You are making me so angry right now I could spit”! Instead of “You need to stop….” Out came “You need to shop….” Don’t believe me? Call – I have witnesses – it got better the more I shouted – the more confused I got and the more I got my “merds wixed” (words mixed!) “So you think you’re such a tart!” Instead of “So you think you’re so smart!” After about 5 distinct mistakes in the language that I so pride myself in knowing well (English) and being a lover of words – I had to slow myself down because I could see that the one-sided conversation was going nowhere! Nick (the 17 year old) just stood there with some “Cheshire Cat” grin on his face – I mean – how in the hell did I expect him to take me seriously at this point! He was standing there contemplating his navel so that he wouldn’t crack up and really send me off that cliff that I was teetering on! I had to walk away – but only for a split second – when I returned to the kitchen – father and son were staring at each other – you could see the pleading in Tim’s (father) eyes as he looked at Nick…."Just don’t laugh….not now….don’t look at her directly in the eyes…..excuse yourself and go to the bathroom….go smoke some mistle-toe from the X-mas decorations….tell her you’ll share…..even – fall to the floor – lay in a fetal position and rock back and forth – JUST DON’T LAUGH” is what his eyes were saying. Needless to say – I truly don’t believe that the great moment to pass on some wisdom – which I can usually do – went completely to hell in a hand-basket – oh – in less than 45 seconds! Don't try this at home….Diz

Complaint Letter of the Year! BRILLIANT!!!!

2006-12-18T09:57:00.000-08:00

Giving this the “Complaint Letter of the Year” award is no overstatement. It’s that good!

Why have kids?

2006-12-12T13:06:00.000-08:00

We had a Christmas potluck lunch today, and there is one pregnant girl in the office. The question came up……”why does anyone have kids?” Well – that sure stumped me! “Why?” I ask myself “WHY?” “Hmmmmm-why did I have kids?” Well – firstly – I was at an age where “I thought sex was fun” (when one gets older – one gets wiser! This is no longer one of my thoughts…..don’t feel sorry for hubby – he’s not hard done by! (Excuse the pun!)). Secondly – I guess I was a tad thick, stupid, brain dead, whatever - from having my first kid – that I had a second one! I think I thought that eventually one would keep the other company, busy and out of trouble.....oh how wrong I was!) The question came up – if you could go back would you be childless or still have kids what would you do? – would you HAVE kids – cause that is the way of nature(?) or not?
Diz: (politely) I believe that is sort of personal, and I really don’t feel like answering you.
Other: Come on….enlighten us!
Diz: Okay – well – you asked…..First off – most people that I know who don’t have kids – initially seemed quite happy – then they seem to end up getting divorced-not that some people with kids don’t get divorced too – but these people end up being conceived as lonely old geezers and hags – with no purpose or direction in their lives! What about their own mortality? Does THAT ever cross their minds? The passing of the gene pool? Like the Olympic Torch?! ……Then I sort of stopped myself from going into a “Dizzy Rant” and asked or rather TOLD them all – “This is rather personal…..since when did it become regular conversation in an office (other than an OBGYN) to talk about other people’s reproductive organs, their reproductive habits, and the primal urge that ALL must have at one time or another or have children? HOW DARE they assume (and they were assuming)….that people who don’t have kids don’t have full lives…..they always regret their choice…..they would “so love them” when they finally arrived…..that these childless people are going against the natural order of things…that they are selfish people…it was patronizing and insulting as far as I was concerned. Having children is not a right – and who knows – those kids that weren’t born may be better off………(though I am not sure what I meant by that!) and holy crap – it’s not the first 14 years that’ll kill ya – it’s the second 14 years of a child’s life that makes you wish you had stayed barren! My suggestion to these childless people….next time someone asks why you don’t have kids – or if you ever plan on having kids……………dive directly into a diatribe of lies that have something to do with some tragic, elaborate state of health – something involving cancer, flawed genetics, you married your cousin or perhaps a small explosion! Just trying to help…DIZ

Just ONE MORE pic for the day........

2006-12-07T10:00:00.000-08:00

Check it out - Kev is a GIANT with the "Black Eyed Peas"! (Third person from the left is also a radio person - not part of the band - but then - if you know the band - you would know that too! I don't know the band - I had to be told!) Always learning.....Diz

Canadian Ceremonial Guard Band

2006-12-07T09:51:00.000-08:00

Here you have Eric (Sproul) doing what he does soooooooooo incredibly well!!! I do believe this may be his last stint in Ottawa in the Canadian Ceremonial Guard Band - he has been posted to the STAT Band in Halifax - Eric Sproul is a Canadian Soldier! (This day - on "The Hill" it was 38 degrees celcius at 10:00 in the morning.......imagine how freaken' hot he must of been! Two "pipers went down" that day! But the beers later on in the evening were well deserved and rather yummy)...........Oh Canada...........Diz

2006-12-07T09:45:00.000-08:00

This is Becker.......he is doing the "Beatles Thing" - drinking his scotch and coke......looking good Kev! I lift my glass to you!...Diz

Anybody you know pass any wet cement lately?

2006-11-27T12:43:00.000-08:00

Listen Up Kiddies.....

2006-11-27T12:11:00.000-08:00

These are just little words of advice that I picked up over the Internet, with the added Dizzy twist...........
- Just because you can stick toothpicks in your forehead and they’ll stay there and it doesn’t really hurt all that bad doesn’t mean you should go ahead and do it, at ANY restaurant.
- Don't piss off skinheads. They’ll beat you.
- Yes, popping a paper bag in the mall makes a very loud noise. Yes, you can hear it echoing all through the place.
- "Rent-A-Cops" (Security Guards) are all dickheads.
- Believe me, the rash won’t go away on its own.
- God created Assistant Managers when he was in a really shitty mood.
- Knife wounds inflicted on bodily extremities, such as hands, should receive firm pressure with a clean, dry towel or cloth. Elevate if possible. Remember, dry is the key. The wet washcloth is a poor choice for staunching blood flow, no matter what you’ve heard.
- Be careful of what you headbutt. Some doors are not as sturdy as they might first look, and it can be hard to estimate your own strength immediately after inhaling nitrous oxide, or power shooting a keg.
- Head wounds do tend to bleed a lot. Don’t panic.
- Pajamas are indeed comfy, but society dictates we not wear them to school, work or the bowling alley.
- You better ask before you try and stick your finger up there.
- Socks should match your pants, and your belt should match your shoes. After that, if anyone complains, tell ‘em they should be happy you’re wearing any clothes at all.
- If you suspect someone likes to do a lot of cocaine, don’t let them “borrow” your CDs.
- Try not to get too depressed. There’s always something to look forward to. Keep alert, and sooner or later you’ll see someone slip and hurt themselves.
- If, while chugging a beer, the phrase, “I bet this is going to be the last coherent thought I have tonight,” runs through your head, get someone to take you home. Now.
- The cops never think it’s as funny as you do.
- Yeah, I know Sid Vicious wore a lock on a chain around his neck just like that. But the first time you try and pogo with that thing on it’s gonna chip a tooth.
- Strictly speaking, ranch dressing is not an ingredient.
- Now that you’ve climbed up there, it’s a lot higher than it looks, isn’t it? Dumbass.
- You’re probably doing something that bugs the next person twice as much. Clam up and get on with your life, and last but not least.....
- Powdered cocoa won’t put out the fire.
Forever being enlightened....Diz

Just a few observations.....

2006-11-23T09:43:00.000-08:00

- Now - see - flip flop season has definitely ended...I am CHOKED! (Booze in my coffee would extend my flip flop season....)
- I have NEVER learned to text or even use my "auto dial" on my cel phone! I am afraid it will self-destruct in 10 seconds if I don't use it as a REAL phone. It also has pics that have NEVER been downloaded.....I think coffee and booze would at least give me the guts to be a bit more "literate" with these new fangled gadgets!
- Right now - outside my office window a horror is happening........it is minus 25 celcius - and we are being inundated by a white out! Yes - SNOW - but yet - at -25 celcius - they say it is too cold to snow! It is freakin' colder than ice outside! Yes - ice is 0 degrees - it is 25 degrees colder than ice outside! I am afraid to walk out there - at my age things stick out and or hang a little differently than they should - I may end up walking thru my front door with a few less body parts than I started with! What the hell am I doing living here?
- I actually did a "Dizzy Moment" with only Nick (son-17 years old) in the room! Yes he stared at me - unbelieving that his mother is truly THAT THICK! He asked "Are you sure you weren't born a blond?" Then shook his head and said "I soooooooooooooo see where the nickname "Dizzy" comes from"! Join the rest of the world kiddo - your Mom IS THE DIZ!!!! If I owned a bike - I could do "Drive By Dizzy's!"-THEY won't let me drive a vehicle....too many people would end up eliminated!
- "Mahna Mahna" by Cake is THE BEST tune in the world!
- Do you ever think they'll make a thong to fit my butt? I just think I am missing out on something....Diz

Coffee, Booze and Stuff

2006-11-23T09:18:00.000-08:00

I realized this morning (and ya....it was a DUH moment!) that coffee is one of my very best friends! I know - Coffee and Grand Marnier and some sort of cream alcohol (like Bailey's) is THE BESTEST FRIEND EVER.........but where I work - I figure THAT would be frowned upon. I guess if I REALLY want to get fired - the GM and Bailey's are going to be coming to work with me. I spent a week-end in Vegreville, (YES! You are right - that is the place where they have the biggest egg on earth! AND - just one town over - Mundare - has the biggest Coil Sausage in the world! It looked like a great spine buckling poo - but none the less - Alberta is the land of BIG STUFF!) with 11 other girls - most of them nurses - and the organizer and the one who invited me was Mrs. Onionhead. We started each day with alcohol and ended each day the same way....with "some" in between! The coffee and booze for breakfast wasn't really new to me...MANY MANY moons ago - camping in the States - beer and frosties were the top of the list as a breakfast item......as we have gotten older - the boys - the Amigos; once a year (that I KNOW of) do "Drunkin" Donuts......well - I have decided that that week of skiing - which I usually take off - I am doing my coffee and booze - every morning - whether I get the time off work or not. The week-end was a marvelous thing - no stresses - no telephones - no computers - just food, booze and many great laughs!......Still looking over my shoulder thanx to Mrs. Onionhead and her co-hort.......Diz

I can soooooooo relate!

2006-11-16T14:24:00.000-08:00

You HAVE TO CHECK OUT THIS SITE!!!!!

http://www.skippyslist.com/skippylist.html

Quickly becoming Skippy's best ally..............Diz!

I am stealing from another's blog.....but this person is IN MY HEAD!!!!

2006-11-16T13:53:00.000-08:00

The Office Game. I actually played by myself - I have no friends at work.....I have stated beside each of the ones that I have done....now it's up to someone else to do some of the ones I haven't and let me know how it turns out! Spice up your office with The Office Game -- pick two or three colleagues and agree to play. The Office Game which awards points as follows:
* ONE POINT
- Run one lap around the office at top speed. Walk sideways to the photocopier. (Done it - though with a HUMUNGOUS chest - it wasn't very graceful!)
- Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.
- When they're not looking, pour most of someone's fresh cup of coffee into your mug leaving them with an inch of brew.
- Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you. (Easy - I ignore everyone!)
- Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."
- To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace. (This is just a regular reflex for me....happens quite a few times a day!)
- While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.
*** THREE-POINTS
- Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it." - Double points if you do this to a manager. (Yeah - it was like - hmmmmm.........)
- Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle. (Now this one is a challenge - and I looked like I had just climbed out of a fish tank when I was done - but it was rather amusing - at least to me!)
- Shout random numbers while someone is counting. (TOUCHDOWN!)
***** FIVE POINTS
- At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).
- Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
- For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as 'Bob'. (This was fun - and I still get Bob - though I make them believe that THEY are nutz - not me! I mean where did they get THAT from?)
- Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do number two".
- After every sentence, say 'mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in, "the report's on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour. (yEAH mON!)
- While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.
- In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, all of you just shut up!"
- In a colleague's diary, write in 10 am: "See how I look in tights".
- Carry your laptop over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?"
- Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now". (I also get visual things flying by!)
- Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it"
- Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc.) during a very important conference call.
- Tuck one pant leg into your sock and when queried, answer, "not now" and walk away. (Tried this just today - took off my boots and boogied around the office! If they didn't think I was crazy before........)
Still being THE Diz................Diz

Why It Is Great To Be A Female...

2006-11-01T12:27:00.000-08:00

1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We can scare male bosses with the mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
3 Taxis stop for us.
4. We don’t look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
5. No fashion faux pas we make, could ever rival the Speedo.
6. We don’t have to pass gas to amuse ourselves. (Well - I do at times!)
7. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
8. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her rear end.
9. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
10. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
11. We can talk to the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
12. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we are aware that we will look like an idiot.
13. We will never regret piercing our ears.
14. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
15. We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence because they aren’t listening anyway.

SOME DAYS.........

2006-11-01T08:27:00.000-08:00

Some days – it totally feels like I have towels in my chest! A real heavy – cottony – un-breathing feeling. Ever feel like that? It’s sort of like being depressed – but more like feeling like – maybe there won’t be a tomorrow. It’s funny how when I am feeling down – I can sit at the computer and type whatever comes to mind – I vent about all kinds of issues – I can spew forth all kinds of vile news – and my blog may not judge me – it’s probably not a fair trade to this poor blog page – but thanx for being there! Cause if I was to “vent” at home – MY GOD……Life as we know it would be changed forever – the world’s axis would tilt a few degrees – and the Ford household would implode! I am not there to vent – I am there to be the sounding board for other venters that also live there!

When people phone the main line here at work, I wish I could – well – give them my fantasy lines. You know – someone calls and asks if I can help them or if they can ask me a question – I would LOVE to answer “Look Lady-despite what you may think, the person who answers the phone and has to handle offices throughout the Province does not personally handle each job as well. I answer the phone and chances are – NO – I can’t help you!” Or when someone calls and asks you how the weather is before they get down to business. I would love to answer something like, ”I’d probably love to have a lengthy conversation with you about the weather or the week-end, however, did it ever occur to you when you’re asking me about the weather, that the ringing noise you hear in the background could possibly be other people trying to get through?”

I am having so much trouble focusing. Words just seem to end up being spelled incorrectly – the dictionary does not hi-lite them – as they are actual words – they are just the incorrect word. I was answering a proposal from some Aboriginal group – and they had the word Salmon in their group’s name. Well - I typed up the whole letter – and decided – and this is a rarity for me – to proof read the letter before handing it over for signature. Well – instead of typing the word SALMON – I had typed SEMEN!!!!!! Now wouldn’t THAT have gone over well if I hadn’t proofed it! As for where or why my fingers went to those letters on the keyboard to make THAT mistake everytime.......the brain (especially mine) works in mysterious ways! When I die - please put it in a freezer for future use....someone may want to use my brain someday - maybe as an ash tray or maybe a centre-piece for a dinner with Hannibal, either way it should really be put to use after I am done with it. Spelling-challenged, flustered, and still using my brain……………DIZ

It's Just So Wrong.......

2006-10-24T12:51:00.000-07:00

I was sitting here at the office after lunch – trying to think of what exactly I was so irritated about today. I am just “not me”. Well – I – at first thought – wanted to blame Celine Dion – I was trying very intently to figure out why I hate her so much. My conclusion – she is just F***ing annoying! Oprah Winfrey is also in that category – but I don’t have time to get started on THAT one! Then there is the “ski mask” issue. Who the hell wears a ski mask? Who the hell buys a ski mask? And who the hell would sell a ski mask? (I actucally saw a bum sitting on the corner of the street as I came into work this morning – wearing a ski mask! It was a lovely shade of baby poo green!) Don’t be calling these things “ski masks” they are “robber masks” – and if you see someone wearing one – chances are they are not in the Olympic Ski Finals, chances are they are robbing something and/or someone! Businesses that sell ski masks should be fined! I think ski masks are the dumbest thing in the world. We should all join together and get a “I Hate Ski Masks” campaign going. (And NO – this IS NOT a hint to have the “ski mask” as a “Ski Amigo Gear” thing! It would end up being roasted in the BBQ - just like my Oiler's toque! Which by the way was NOT of MY doing! JONSEY! Or was it my socks that you roasted on the BBQ?) Maybe I’ll just sit here and ferment for the rest of the day – cause I have NO productivity left in me……..nor do I have the energy to find any….can’t be bothered searching……….Diz

CHANGE

2006-10-19T10:24:00.000-07:00

I've learned to embrace it, ride it out til the end. Sometimes I'm kicking and screaming, other times weeping. Sometimes I have to block my ears, or close my eyes – but change will be embraced. Once in awhile I ride like a dog in a car, head out the window snorting what life has to offer. From being a Mum of young children to a villian to those same kids who are now teens. I’d have a better relationship with a chameleon in the desert some days! Life is short and I am living it and allowing my ride to change. Whether it be through tears, sighs, screams and/or laughter. Every morsel of change will be taken in……not scrambled or shaken….just stirred. Cheers! Diz

LIES MY PARENTS TOLD ME (Part #1)

2006-10-04T11:52:00.000-07:00

I am doing this blog in hopes that I can talk myself out of flattening some tires – or poisoning some office coffee, or maybe be more mild and wet someones office chair. I sit here absolutely frustrated, stressed and ready to jump off of a bridge – I started to think of advice my parents gave me – pretty well all my life – as I am a fairly volatile person! So here starts the beginning of Lies My Parents Told Me…..with a look at do they actually really work in every phase of my life! (Not a good result up to this point!)
# 1 – Just be nice to them and they’ll be nice to you.
Okay – like this really works!? Remember this one? Didn’t work on the school playground – and it doesn’t work in the workplace. Especially when one has a boss who is a “predator” and sees everyone else in the office as a “rabbit” or a “mouse” – just something she can sink her teeth into. I mean – try telling a “rabbit” or a “mouse” to be nice to the “fox”…….most times - niceness will be interpreted by the predator as a weakness and will try and toy with you until they get you just in the right spot where they will rip your face off – don’t fool yourself….you are doing nothing by “being nice”, except giving the “predator” an ins to your demise.
# 2 – Just ignore them, they’ll go away.
Once again – you being the “rabbit or the “mouse” – ignoring the fox doesn’t make him go away – does it? Ignoring never wins if your boss is sneaky or nasty…trying to convice these “predators” that you are a predator yourself, by puffing up – (by ignoring them) – sorta gives the game away doesn’t it? I mean – I tried that – I was circled, she got right into my space and my face, she stood in my blind spot, she crowded me and she constantly steered the conversation into her court – while I was speaking………I may look like a “rabbit” or a “mouse” (though I have NEVER really seen myself as a victim – I am more of an “alpha” what ever – not a predator – nor a victim), to her I am that bunny or rodent – she definitely has to get her antenae tuned! She is a scavenger – nothing else – and ignoring a scavenger doesn’t do anyone any good! So – what I am left with is to get this “predator” in my cross hairs……..it will be so unexpected! But which “cross hairs” shall I use? (the office coffe, chair, etc.)

I am not a “Bunny” damn it! Nor am I a little fuzzy, hopping “rodent”. I have great periferal vision – so no one stands in my blind spot – no one stands in “my space” and no one will turn me into a dead bunny or mouse….dead as in brainless, spineless, and there is no way I will be the next meal…….so if Ignoring them or being nice doesn’t work……….what the heck does? Still trying to figure it out……..Diz
(more Lies My Parents Told Me to come…..Man – I have plenty!)

Something other than levity........

2006-08-21T13:41:00.000-07:00

I had quite the week-end from hell with my two teen males.....comments were made to me about what they thought of themselves, etc. and as luck would have it - when I returned to work after 4 weeks of holidays.........I had a thought provoking message that actually made me THINK! (I guess that was redundant - thought provioking message that made me think?) I am sharing parts of it here.....take what you want - leave the rest........Those who know "The Diz" know that I am NOT a holy roller - nor am I an athiest.....but......as I said - take what you want and leave the rest!

A prominent American's daughter was interviewed on a popular early morning show and stated in regards to September 11th....."How could God Let This Happen?"

Well - Anne Graham responded with, (in part) "...for years we have been asking God to stay out of our schools, to get out of our government and to get out of our lives. I think God has listened to us and stepped back....."

In light of recent events, (9/11, shootings in schools, terrorist attacks and planned attacks), Madeleine Murray O'Hare complained that she did not want to have prayer or the Bible in schools in the Bible it states - Thou shalt not kill, Thou shalt not steal and Love thy neighbour as yourself.......and we said "OKAY". (By the way - Madeleine Murray O'Hare was murdered, her body was recently found). Then - Dr. Benjamin Spock said we shouldn't spank our children, their little personalities might become warped and this will also damage their self-esteem. We said - "OKAY". (By the way - Dr. Spock's son committed suicide). Then someone said teacher's and principal's are not allowed to discipline our children - the schools agreed - they didn't want to get sued for "physically abusing" a child! (By the way - there is a difference between the "strap" and physical abuse!) Then someone said - "let's let our daughters have abortions if they want - and they don't have to tell their parents - after all - it is THEIR life!" and once again we said "OKAY". Then some school board somewhere and pretty well made it unanimous across the country, decided that boys will be boys - and since they will have sex anyway - let's give them condoms through the school and they can have all the fun they desire - and they won't have to "have the talk" with their parents". And once again we said "OKAY! Then some of our top elected officials said "it doesn't matter what we do in private - as long as we do our jobs". We said "OKAY - we should count ourselves lucky to have jobs - the work is being done - who cares what the President/Prime Minister is doing IN PRIVATE behind closed doors!" Then someone said, "Let's print pictures of nude women and call it wholesome, art, and just plain 'ole down-to-earth appreciation for the beauty of the female body," and we said "OKAY!" Then someone else took it a step further and allowed pictures of nude children to be printed - and made them accessible over the Internet - and we turned a blind eye - as "they" are entitled to "free speech". Then the entertainment industry decided that TV shows, music videos, etc. should be chalked full of violence, illicit sex, encourage rape, drugs, murder, suicide and satanic themes. We said - "Go ahead - no one takes that stuff seriously anyways!"

So now we are asking ourselves why our children have no conscience, why they don't know right from wrong, and why it doesn't bother them to kill, see someone killed, whether it's their family? classmates? strangers? or even themselves. Think about it - take just a second - I don't believe that the answer is that hard to figure out.............."WE REAP WHAT WE SOW!" If this was a lewd, crude, vulgar and obscene piece of writing - it would pass through cyber space at the speed of light! Take some time to think about this diatribe.....you will see....WE DO reap what we sow! Forever feeling stupidly humble: DIZ

Strange Analogies from Grade 12 Students.....

2006-07-04T11:53:00.000-07:00

One of those days - I sit here at work over lunch and I have decided NOT to work......They won't give me overtime.....I don't give them overtime. (I know that that seems to be an obvious thing - but this is the Alberta Government I am talking about here!) Anyways - I came across some analogies from Grade 12 Students (How I find these sites is beyond me......) but I felt I had to share...so here we go!.......
1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a thigh master.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, like under pants in the dryer without a fabric softner sheet.
3. She grew on him like a colony of E.coli and he was room temperature Canadian beef.
4. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes before it throws up.
5. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
6. He was as tall as a 6'3" tree.
7. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.
8. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
9. He fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
10. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 6:00.
11. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
12. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
13. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
14.They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
15. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
16. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
17."Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a college freshman on $1-a-beer night.
18. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
19. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
20. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
21. She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword.
22. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.
23. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
24. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.
25. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
And that folks is all I have to share with you at this time............DIZ

Speaking of Work..................

2006-06-20T07:56:00.000-07:00

Speaking of work – My inconsiderate – bitchy – nasty – horrible – repulsive – vicious – cruel – malicious – spiteful – witch of a boss – has decided that I should be going back to work 5 days a week – and she is petitioning H.R. to have my position changed back as such! My 4 days a week has NEVER been an issue with any boss – just with her. She has been my boss 3 times and 3 times had an issue with my 4 days a week - and I said after the third time that if I EVER had to work under her again – (that’s what she said last night!………………..Oh – she’d be SO LUCKY!!!! That’s sarcasm!) I would quit working here – well – my nightmare returned – and I had to try and break my promise to myself – and I was doing great – until she threw that little tidbit at me! Needless to say – I did a bit of research and what she was telling me was incorrect – she said that before H.R. would allow us to hire someone else in this department – cause we have sooooooooooooooooo much work that is not getting done - I would have to come back 5 days a week – well – throughout the organization I found two examples of that NOT BEING TRUE and I forwarded it to her. I also mentioned – that if she did manage to make this position a 5 day a week job – and I was given the ultimatum of taking it or losing my job – the Union would be brought in – cause I KNOW they’d have something to say about it! I mean – I do not pay Union dues for nothing! I have already brought in the Union once – two bosses I had were trying to tell me that I was actually clinically insane! The Union rep laughed when we went into the meeting and said to them – “To start with – I have been speaking with Denyse – she is very intelligent – but I’ll tell you one thing – from one psychologist to another – she is not crazy, but you DO NOT want to get into her head!” (and I reminded them of that quite often!) – so now - because I brought in the Union - I now have a black mark on my record………………..so bringing in the Union a second time – would not break my heart! As well – if I had a co-worker who did other stuff other than sleep through her day (she has a mild case of narcolepsy) – like maybe – do some actual WORK! - then maybe the work would get done! THEN – the cow starts on the fact that I take time off on top of my 4 days a week – because of my “supposed migraines”! Yes – that is what she said! So I told her that from now on – no matter how intense the headache is – I will be in the office – barfing in my garbage can – and sleeping at my desk (too!) – cause the drugs I have to take knock me out. I figured that if it was okay for one to sleep during the day at work – why wouldn’t it be okay for me?!? She told me I was being “unfair” to this other staff member – and I told her she was being an absolute bitch to me! (I am sooooooooooooooo surprised she didn’t fire me yesterday!) She said that I was working at a pet shop on the Friday – so it wasn’t like I was taking a day off for me – which she would be more inclined to allow me to have my 4 days……………..whoa a minute – this place DOES NOT PAY ME for that Friday – nor do they OWN MY TIME! Because having my husband cater to my every needs isn’t my idea of a day “to myself” and working in a “pet shop” is my sanity break” doesn’t mean I am not taking the day off for myself. WHOA! I was ready to absolutely explode…I couldn’t breathe – the room was spinning – I was sweating – and my language no longer sounded like English! HOLY CRAP……………..Ya know – the “rational” thing to do would be to go back for 5 days a week – (which I will no doubt end up having to do anyways – especially after talking to Tim – we both looked at all angles - as well as ways that I could squash her plan – gotta say – she has the hammer hanging over my head!) But you know – coming back 5 days a week will be soooooooooooooooooooooooooo incredibly stressful – I will have to go on stress leave……cause………..well – I have a very severe form of revengefulness! Don’t piss off the Diz – you WILL NOT WIN! Actually – after I finish this verbal purge – I am going to call the doctor and make an appointment – “to chat”! He’s on my side…………..we’ll find a way to make that bovine turn it around! GAWD – life is way too short to be worrying about what other people are doing with THEIR lives……………..she is my supervisor – not God! I wish more “bosses” would realize at one time – they were pee-ons too! I will really miss working at the pet shop – but if I have to come here 5 days a week – I am not sure I would have the energy to work at the pet shop on the Saturday – so I will have to quit! Unless of course I work at night – after work – I’ll just have to wait to see what is happening after she petitions for my impending devastation which should take a bit of time – I was doing so well for quite a few months there – no need to vent on my blog site – nothing – well – this one is going up there cause at this very moment - I AM PISSED RIGHT OFF!!!!! Diz

BECAUSE I AM A MAN............

2006-05-17T08:21:00.000-07:00

I was discussing something with a co-worker today - and somehow this list of "Because I am a MAN......." sort of got dug up. It may not totally pertain to all of you men that read this - but I'll tell you - 99.9% of women will definitely relate.............
1. Because I am a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling AAA is not an option. I will win.
2. Because I am a man, when the car is not running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I am looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start.?" We will then drink a couple of beers as a form of Holy Communion.
3. Because I am a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You are a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem.
4. Because I am a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like"cumin" or "tofu.? For all I know, these are the same thing. (This one may not apply to a lot of guys....................guys like to cook - and they like to go to the store and search for their ingredients - it's like a hunting trip - then - especially when it's on the BBQ - that makes it so much more MAN-LY!)
5. Because I am a man, when one of our appliances stop working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
6. Because I am a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it.....though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.
7. Because I am a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I do not need to see it. In addition, do not forget to pick up something for my mother, too.
8. Because I am a man, you do not have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you are crying at the end of it, I did not. And if you are feeling amorous afterwards....then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.
9. Because I am a man, I think what you are wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
10. Because I am a man, and this is, after all, the year 2006, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I will do the rest......Like wandering around in the yard wondering what to do. (This also may not apply to a lot of guys - but notice ya'll - when a man does house work - it MUST require doing a task that has a "machine" attached to it, such as vacuuming - I guess that's sort of like using a lawn mower...........it's a MAN-LY job!) Most men consider what they do "outside on a 30 degree day" - housework! I mean after being outdoors for like 1/2 hour - they come wandering back in to the house - looking for a cold beer - and telling you how hard they are working - of course not realizing you have just spent the last 3 hours on your hands and knees cleaning the floors, and making the house smell wonderfully pine clean! Let's switch - for once - and guys - you stay in on that 30 degree day and us ladies will walk around in the fresh air pushing the lawn mower - drinking beer and walking in circles till we find one weed - and take 15 minutes pulling it out - then come back into the house - telling you how hard we are working - wiping our brow - sighing - then crashing in a chair - in the fresh air - and drinking that cold beer we just fetched - because - afterall - we deserve this beer and quiet moment - we have worked so hard! Time for another lemonade and time to clean the sinks..............DIZ

Apples & Wine

2006-04-27T12:59:00.000-07:00

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don’t want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren’t as good, but easier to get. The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they’re amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.
Now men....Men are like a fine wine.
They begin as grapes, and it’s up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with. (Thanx Deb - you always have a way with words!)

Sponge Bob - Squarepants........

2006-04-19T12:38:00.000-07:00

While Sponge Bob Squarepants's creator, Steven Hillenburg, has acknowledged that the squeally spongey, square character is not gay, I've seen the underpants to prove otherwise! Spongebob's curiosity fits a little too close to home in those boxers I saw, err, book, I mean. Patrick's shirtless bermuda motif leaves little to be questioned as well. They both live alone. They both display seemingly feminine playfulness. And let's not forget about the squirrel. Is there any more ambiguity in gender than in a squirrel? I've heard of boys named "Sandy." Even Squidward has that strange music teacher vibe. What do you think? They just need to throw in a barnacle that works in a Beauty Parlour - and voila...............my point is made - Diz

A.A.A.D.D.

2006-04-19T08:35:00.001-07:00

Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing.
As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only 1 check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.
I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered. I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day: ----the car isn't washed, ----the bills aren't paid, ----there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, ----the flowers don't have enough water, ----there is still only 1 check in my check book, ----I can't find the remote, ----I can't find my glasses, ----and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.
Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!!
GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY. GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL. LAUGHING AT YOURSELF IS THERAPEUTIC.
I try to take one day at a time -- but sometimes several days attack me at once.......... (Thanx Carolyn........) Diz

Drug Testing - Just say NO!

2006-03-07T13:57:00.000-08:00

When did we decide that drug testing in the workplace was okay? Since when do we allow people to take our urine – and freely let them have it! Sure there are jobs where it’s important to make sure that drugs are not being abused. For example – an Airline Pilot……the last thing I want to do is get on a plane where the pilot has been snorting cocaine off the back’s of hookers for the last three days. No matter how fun THAT sounds – I don’t think he should be flying a plane! But for a person who spends their days at a computer – do corporations actually have the right to take our pee and test it? Let’s talk about marijuana in particular. Here is a drug that lingers in your system for over a month, yet everyone agrees that the effect of the drug only lasts 4-6 hours. So it is entirely possible that I may smoke a joint on the week-end with some handsome young men, and return to work on Monday, and be perfectly fine. Okay, the “some handsome young men” part probably wouldn’t be happening, but it is possible that I might be standing too close to a Rastaman and accidentally inhale his second-hand smoke…..remember – this is ACCIDENTALLY! In my line of work – no one is going to go down in flames when I return to work on Monday morning. Are we so concerned about getting the biggest TV or newest Ipod that we will allow these people to examine our urine and hair follicles? What if THEY decide that the only way to test us for drugs is to shove their fingers up our asses? How big does that TV have to be before you decide you don’t care? And what if they decide that they shouldn’t use lubricant or wear a glove? Is that okay as long as you can drive a BMW instead of a Ford? My response if I am asked to hand over a fistful of hair or some piddle in a jar is “NOT ANYMORE!” I – like the rest of the world – have signed that piece of paper saying that I give them permission to take things from my body to test for drugs – I – like everyone else – feel that I have nothing to hide…………….well you know what? Whether or not you have something to hide – what business is it to the Corporate World? I mean – this is RIDICULOUS…….unless I am transporting explosives, operating on a beating heart, or flying a plane – stay the hell out of my life! Whew………….DIZ

Song lines.......

2006-03-07T13:05:00.000-08:00

I came across some songs and a line or two from the song that - well - I need not say more - they speak for themselves!
THIS FIRST ONE IS MY MOST FAVOURITE OF THEM ALL:
THE BAND: LIT - THE SONG: "MY OWN WORST ENEMY" - "Can we forget about the things I said when I was drunk I didn't mean to call you that I can't remember what was said or what you threw at me please tell me, please tell me why my car is in the front yard, and I'm sleeping with my clothes on - came in through the window last night and your gone......Gone!"

The Band: At the Drive-In - The Song: "Initiation" - "Your telephone's the one that helped me wrap the cord around your neck. You know you're beautiful when you're dead..."
The Band: Jawbreaker- The Song: "Accident Prone" - "What's the closest you can come to an almost total wreck, and still walk away all limbs intact?"
The Band: Radiohead - the Song: "High and Dry" - "You'd kill yourself for recognition, kill yourself to never ever stop. You broke another mirror, you're turning into something you are not."
The Band: Mineral-the Song "Slower" - "It's just not the same when you wake up in the morning with a smile on your face, when you know you lied yourself to sleep to make it better..."
The Band: Radiohead-the Song: "There There" - "Just 'cause you feel it, doesn't mean it's there..."
The Band: Ben Folds Five-The Song: "Brick" - "Now that I have found someone, I'm feeling more alone than I've ever felt before..."
(These are a few more of my personal favourites....)
The Band: Radiohead-the Song: "Creep" - I want you to notice when I'm not around..."
The Band: Braid-the Song "A Dozen Roses" - "Every now and every then I tend to pretend that I'm not alone..."
The Band: The Black Heart Procession- The Song: "A Light So Dim" - "If you're the light house in the storm, I'll be the ship with a thousand dead souls..."
The Band: Communique-The Song: "Love Unconditional" - "You're not quite so dead that you want to go on...I don't blame you."
Getting Darker.............................DIZ

Name Calling

2006-03-07T13:00:00.000-08:00

Smack ‘n’ crack, slack and laid back, Jack.
Who knew her debut would be adieu, Sue.
Although below, has a big toe, go blow- Joe
In a barrel, in a peril- in pink apparel, Carol
Start a crime wave, needs a shave, must be brave, Dave.
Dry skin, has a twin, where has she been? Lynn.
Power drill, needs a chill pill, mentally ill, Bill.
Hiss and dismiss, in an abyss – French kiss – Chris.
Avoid annoyed and unemployed, Lloyd.
In all her glory, tell a story, really gory – Lori.
Slim and trim, sing a hymn in the gym, Tim.
Looks like a male, has a tail, as big as a killer whale, Gayle.
Devil’s spawn, magic wand, bring it on – Don.
Blown, being alone, overgrown and over thrown-Joan.
Masquerade, disobeyed, flunked first grade-Wade.
In the sauna, playing with the fauna, Shauna.
Vain, abstain, complain, distain – Wayne.
Giant Panda, delivering propaganda, Amanda.
Free kick, carrot stick, mouse click – Rick.
Awake with bennie, took too many-doesn’t give any – Pennie.
Not too busy, therefore in a tizzy – Dizzy.

Buzz Words

2006-02-22T13:08:00.000-08:00

I started thinking the other day – (imagine – the Diz was thinking – and yes – you could here the squeaking of the wheels and there was also a waft of smoke emanating from my brain!) about how/where/when the word Blog came to be, along with all associated words. I am here to tell you that after much research, I have come to these definitions of Blog and anything that is Blog-worthy. I must also say that these do not express the opinion of “THIS BLOGGER” (ME) – or the Blog-Mates that I have made on my blogging journey! In observation of all these shitty phrases and acronyms, I've decided to coin another phrase that can be used for "blog" called: comment-log or CLOG for short. What users do is labor over documenting their inconsequential lives, trivializing man's greatest invention, the microprocessor, until the Internet is so CLOGGED that commerce comes to a screeching halt. Anyone contributing to the congestion would be known as a CLOGGER.
Blog: is literally shorthand for "boring;" a vulgar, overused word that strikes your ear with the dull thud.
Blogger: Term used to describe anyone with enough time or narcissism to document every tedious bit of minutia filling their uneventful lives. (ME!)
Blogging: If minds had anuses, blogging would be what your mind would do when it had to take a dump.
Blogged: What you call a trivial or largely inconsequential topic once bloggers have processed through every tired detail. For more on this, look into: every minor news story.
Blogosphere: The "blogosphere" is the new buzz word that has replaced "information super highway." It's what idiots like to call a collection of "blogs," otherwise known as a tragedy.
Blogomania: Like all other manias, except relating to the infatuation of blogs. It's one step above the more caustic phrase "blog-o-rama."
Blogroll: A long list of links that nobody will ever click on. Bloggers not only link to their friends and fellow bloggers, but their eventual goal is to link to every linkable document on the Internet. Most "blog rolls" are so full of links that it can bring even the mightiest of search engines to a crawl as they sort through all the frivolous bullshit bloggers link to.
Blogshare: An imaginary share of a blog's worth, which is ironic, since most blogs have an imaginary share of readers.
Blogstorm: A zany phrase news anchors like to use any time they think there's an abnormal amount of posts on blogs regarding any particular topic. Of course, they fail to consider any amount of posting to a blog is abnormal since people who are well adjusted usually have better things to do, i.e., work, or failing that, anything else.
Blog Swarm: Stupid.
Blogging Community: Losers, goths, bedwetters, and journalism dropouts.
Blawg: Some idiot thought it would be clever to spell "blog" phonetically using the word "law" in the title. It's a phrase used to describe blogs primarily dealing with the law and legal issues. Wow, real clever you tool! How did you come up with that one?
Blogebrity: Wow, guess what this one stands for? Too easy. Hey, anyone can do it: take a blogger who's a chef, and you get: BLEF. A blogger who's a dentist? BENTIST. A female blogger with an itch? You guessed it: a BITCH.
Photoblog: Photoblogs make me yearn for the day when cameras weren't digital, film cost money, and it took time to develop pictures. I remember back when it wasn't easy for any random dolt with a camera to go out take countless pictures of nothing. Nothing is exactly what these pictures are of. No focus, no theme, no message, no posturing. Just countless pictures of McDonald’s at 2 AM. We don't care that you went to McDonald’s. You're not an artist. You're not deep. Get a new hobby.
Warblog: A blog that primarily deals with war. Filled with whiny blow hards who are fixated on their stubborn ideas and conspiracy theories.
Warblogger: Like all other bloggers, an idiot. Usually a self-righteous prick with a political axe to grind.
Warblogging: The act of writing amateur, unfounded, and borderline illiterate opinions about war and war strategy.
iPod: This is one of those inventions that makes people say: "why didn't I think of that?" Damn that's brilliant. I had that idea years ago. I also have another idea: a car that can fly. I will sue anyone who makes it.
iPodder: A pompous ass who thinks he's eclectic. Wake up you big dummy: you're not living in an iPod commercial. You can't dance. Everything you listen to sucks. Get a job.
Killer App: I can't stand this phrase, mostly because it's applied so loosely. App is short for "application," but that doesn't stop people from using it every chance they get: "the fast food industry needs a killer app." What? What does that even mean? An application?
Travelblog: Guess
Friendblog: None are known to exist since bloggers don't have friends.
Watchblog: Let's not.
Vog: I
Vloggers: CAN'T
Vlogging: GO
Vlogged: ON
Moblog: ANYMORE.
I live with a Jogger-it’s gotta count for something………..DIZ

The Story of a Teen..........

2006-02-22T09:49:00.000-08:00

It was the worst of times, it was the best of times……….Those teen years, I remember them well, actually – I don’t really remember them that well. They are just flashes of memories – nothing I can grab on to – but memories none the less. They seem to pass through my head much more often than they used to; I think it is because I have become a parent of two teens! How is it possible that I am a parent of two teens? It seems like yesterday I was a teen myself! All I can do is flash on moments in time……that two year old that refused to acknowledge that “big boys” sit on that white “chair” in the bathroom, instead of doing it in a diaper. Or that defiant 2 year old who just figured out how the world works and will try to make it revolve around them and them alone! Discovery – from a plane flying overhead – to a lady bug that landed on a hand. That 4 year old – that was ever so brave when something frightened him – unless of course it was night time – then it was run into the parents room and sleep between Mom and Dad………..always receptive to great big bear hugs – even in front of their friends. That 9 year old – who now knew how to tie shoes – get dressed – bathe and comb his own hair. Starting to have much stronger opinions and really learning well how to express them! Then suddenly BANG! They are 12 years old. That’s just the start – mine “blossomed” early – but had no clue what all this “change” was about? I truly believe they became clinically insane! Then I started to think – who are these people who are living with me? I am sure my children were abducted – and replaced with these two – awkward – nonsensical – confused – angry – goofy creatures! Always challenging me – and for that matter – challenging themselves for challenging their parents! The stories that they can tell! Honestly – they think that it’s the parents that are irrational – that they can fool us every chance they have – the joke is on them – just wait – one day – they’ll be the parent of a teen! Was I this way? No – I was worse! When my boys were babies, the thought never crossed my mind that one day I would be the parent of a teen! It’s complicated – and sometimes fun – all at the same time! But these moments are fleeting, to be yearned for in days and years to come. And so – for today – I will find the genius, or maturity of their opinions and their thought provoking questions – that actually leave me standing there – wondering how these wonderful little bundles became such individuals! With brilliant thoughts and brilliant smiles and great hearts. You don’t actually see this part of them very often – it’s a teen rule…….you have to keep this part of you well hidden – only to be let out when you are not thinking about it! Hey – maybe that will be something that can confuse my parents even more! Let’s be sweet and loving when they least expect it – and leave them wondering – what exactly we are up to! They sit there quietly, with headphones in the ears – blasting music from their MP3’s. Do they have any idea of what sort of thought process is going on – Hell – they don’t even know what a thought process is! For today – I will find the cleverness in them, the shrewdness in them, the wonderful sense of humour in them and the intellect they have acquired – though I KNOW when they look at me – they think I have none of these qualities. I am far from perfect, but then again – who is? Not being perfect is an absolute of the parent of a teen. For today I will try and look at the lessons that I can learn or have already learned – and know that they will also pass – all too quickly. And I guess – I should really be thankful that I have become a parent of teens! Enjoy.................your time will come - Diz

A little interesting fact!

2006-01-26T14:45:00.000-08:00

In George Washington's days, there were no cameras. One's image was either sculpted or painted. Some paintings of George Washington showed him standing behind a desk with one arm behind his back while others showed both legs and both arms. Prices charged by painters were not based on how many people were to be painted, but by how many limbs were to be painted. Arms and legs are "limbs," therefore painting them would cost the buyer more. Hence the expression, "Okay, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg." Legless as usual......DIZ!

Mid-Life

2006-01-24T13:27:00.000-08:00

I received this from someone – and thought it was worth passing on………. I am not sure if I agree with it all………but I’d say a good 99.9%! Enjoy!

I’ve seen a couple of shows lately that went on and on about how midlife is a GREAT time for women. Just last week Oprah had a whole show on how great menopause will be…Puhleeeeeeeze! I’ve had a few thoughts of my own and would like to share them with you. Whether you are 35, 40, 45, 50, 55, 60 (or maybe just pushing your luck!) you’ll probably relate.

Mid-life is when the growth of hair on your legs slows down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache.
In mid-life, women no longer have upper arms, we have wing spans. We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag!
Mid-life is when you go for a mammogram and you realize that this is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless.
Mid-life is when you stand naked in front of the mirror and you can see your rear without turning around.
Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, “Listen honey…even the Roman Empire fell, and those will too!”
Mid-life brings wisdom to know that life throws us curves and we’re sitting on our biggest ones.
Mid-life is when you look at your know-it-all, cel phone wearing teenager and think, “For this I have stretch marks?”
In mid-life your memory starts to go. In fact the only thing we retain really well is water.
Mid-life means that your Body By Jake now includes Legs by Rand McNally…more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of Alberta.
Mid-life means that you become more reflective…you start pondering the “big” questions. What is life? Why am I here? How much Healthy Choice Ice Cream can I eat before it’s no longer a healthy choice?
But mid-life also brings with it an appreciation for what is important.
We realize that breasts sag, hips expand and chins double, but our loved ones make the journey worthwhile. Would any of you trade the knowledge that you now have, for the body you had way back when? (Maaaaaaybeeeee!?) Maybe our bodies simply have to expand to hold all the wisdom and love we’ve acquired. That’s my philosophy and I’m sticking to it!!!!!
Big Buckets of Soppiness.......DIZ

Just a few quotes........

2006-01-23T10:09:00.000-08:00

I thought I'd add just a few quotes for the day.................
"Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut the bitch up with a bag of chips or cookies" - Unknown
"I refuse to think of them as chin hairs - I think of them as stray eye brows!"-Janette Barber-
"A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car" - Carrie Snow-
"My favourite household chore is ironing. My first one being - hitting my head on the wall until I faint."-Erma Bombeck-
"A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't"-Rhonda Hansome-
"I try to take one day at a time - but sometimes several days attack me all at once!"-Jennifer Unlimited-
"If you can't be a good example - then you'll justhave to be a horrible warning!"-Catherine-
"Behind every successful man is a surprised woman"-Maryon Pearson-
"I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career!"-Gloria Steinem-

Supper or Dinner?

2006-01-19T10:42:00.000-08:00

I was listening to something yesterday and the question was - is it Supper or Dinner? (And all you Brits - this does not include "Tea" - cause NO ONE has been able to intelligently explain to me exactly what TEA" really is!) I mean - does it depend on the quality of what you are eating that defines whether or not it's Dinner or Supper. Like if you're having KD - would that be Dinner? Cordon Bleu - Supper? Eastern Canada or Western Canada? I mean - I can't go by what MY brain tells me to use - cause I use them both - come on - help me out here - this is just one more thing that has me confused.............my brain can take no more.................DIZ!

On going tail bone saga.............

2006-01-18T12:36:00.000-08:00

My tail bone still hurts like hell from my New Year's episode – …….I am SICK AND TIRED of hurting so bad since the first of this year! I can’t even roll over in bed at night cause it hurts so bad to move! And then Tim goes and knees me right in the tail bone in his sleep the other night……………I just started crying – and he doesn’t even remember! I think he was having a Robaxisal sleep – his “back” was “bothering” him……………gawd almighty – I mean he could have gouged me with his toe nail – or elbowed me in the eye – but NO – he HAD to knee me in the coxsis! (sp?) I WAS thinking that it was feeling better – a bit – but then he goes and does that…………..I know it was accidental but – man oh man – he pissed me off……….and so – because I hurt 24/7 since Jan.1/06 – I have become REALLY grumpy – Next time Tim even TOUCHES me in his sleep I am going to knee him in the balls! That’ll show him! Then I’ll say – “Geez – I don’t remember doing that! So sorry………did it hurt?!?!” Even if he’s facing the wrong way – I’m gonna get out of bed – walk around the bed – and kick him one – right in the “Pine Bungalows”! Then crawl back into bed – and pretend like I was sleep walking – I mean – he doesn’t need "that thing" anymore – I’ve used it for what I needed – he can put it away now! Signing off in agony.....................DIZ

Bored? Here's some stuff to do.............

2006-01-18T08:31:00.000-08:00

Yes – I am bored – so I have been sitting here thinking of things that could be done to alleviate boredom…….I am not only thinking of myself here – these suggestions could (and maybe should!) be done by you…….any of you! I choose what works for me……..loud tunes (headphones on), and dancing in my pod…..now…..this attracts attention but you know – who cares? At the moment – the dancing is more like head bobbing in my chair (still having issues with the tail bone from my new year’s episode), but hey – gotta do something! Here are a few more suggestions: TAKE A BREAK FROM ROUTINE…..at work – sit at someone else’s desk for a change. Pretend to be them. Respond to their name, maybe follow them home and try to sleep with their spouse! STEAL SOMEONE’S FAVOURITE PEN……The “Kids in The Hall” were NOT the first people to clue in on this. This is great instead of harbouring grudges on people that have ticked you off in the office. You could also hide food somewhere in their desk – rotting food is a wonderful thing! ..MAKE A LIST OF TEN PEOPLE WHO HAVE ACHIEVED SOMETHING WITH THEIR LIVES….. Now imagine them all on a mini-bus going over a cliff. Imagine their screams as they lie mangled in the burning wreckage. Grin. TALK IN A SOFT VOICE… A really sinister one like Donald Pleasance's. Stare intently at people's jugular veins or the place where their ears join onto their heads. WEAR A BIG GRIN…..A smile a day keeps the electro-shocks away! Smiling can help you through any stressful situation. When your boss tells you off, grin. On crowded public transport, smile manically at the people around you until your cheeks start to hurt. They'll feel so friendly they'll move up to give you lots of room! This also works in elevators. Last but not least – once you get home – SNIFF SOME KNICKERS (Undies!)………….. Sniffing knickers is nature's way of releasing calming hormones. That's why racing drivers wear them over their faces. I hope this can help a few of you manage a day that is stress-free……….still listening to tunes……DIZ

Mouse on the run!!!!!!!

2005-12-15T13:59:00.000-08:00

This is the thrid time I am trying to post something - and damn it - nothing is cooperating! I am trying to listen to music with my computer - and the damn thing plays one song - then stops - I have to close down - start up - turn on - it'll play one song again - then it'll stop....and on and on it goes! Computers hate me and I hate them! Kinda like people - I don't like them much either....so I have started to work at a pet shop on Fridays, and week-ends. I have never worked in retail before - so this was like being thrown to the wolves.......literally! Who knew a mother rat gets upset when you try to remove her from her babies!? You would think someone would have told me! Or that a rabbit can actually jump out of it's cage - even when the hatch is at the top of the cage!? Well - we also sell "feeder mice" - these are mice that people buy to feed to their snakes or what ever. We sell them alive or dead. I have issues selling these poor creatures - but I seem to have more of a problem selling the frozen dead ones. They make a really horrible "ka-thunk" when you put them down on the cash area (they are in a bag!). Anyways - this lady came in and bought a live feeder mouse - and off she went. Well instead of going home to feed her "what ever mouse eating pet" she had - she decided to go to the Food Court and eat and visit a while. Welll - so did the mouse! Now these mice are really small and have pink feet and pink noses - so they aren't like the field mice that will give you ebola or hanta virus or what ever it is that they give you! Anyways - we get a call in the shop from the Mall Security that one of our "creatures" was loose in the Food Court. I asked him (after he told me it was a mouse) if he saw the mouse, he said no. Then I asked if is knew where the mouse went or where the mouse was at this moment. He said no. I asked if he had EVER seen the mouse - he said no. So I asked how he knew there was one of our mice loose in the Food Court. He said the lady showed him the box as well as the plastic bag that this thing had eaten through. Well - We supposedly have traps set up around the mall - in case some dolt (like this person) lets a creature loose, so if he found it in the trap - just throw it away. Then the lady had to come back - all embarrassed - wanting to buy another mouse - a live one. I asked her if she would rather buy a frozen dead one cause if there was a chance she still wanted to do some shopping - there was less of a chance that a dead mouse would eat it's way out of a box and/or bag! I forgot - retail should be customer friendly - and I am the WORST person in the world of great customer service................she did not see the humour in that................oh well - still giggling-Diz

Okay...........................

2005-12-15T13:14:00.000-08:00

Okay - let's forget about politics, religion, sex, etc. for a moment...............I want to rant about something that is REALLY bothering me today..............what is with these moronic, dim-witted, brainless people who feel that THEY have the power or take it upon themselves to enforce the speed limit? Now - knowing that I am NOT a driver - that gives me even more of a right to have ROAD RAGE......why? Cause I am in the passenger's seat - starting to melt because I am fuming so much - the steam is fogging up my glasses - cause "my driver" either decides to get aggressive at the totally incorrect time (by boxing in some red neck with a gun rack in the back window of his "Ford F150"(Which by the way won once again for 2005 the Texas Truck of The Year award! What does THAT tell you about the driver you are messing with?!) - OR - does NOTHING AT ALL!!!!!! In theory - I am the best driver on the road......................there is absolutely no doubt about that - for one reason - my I.Q. is MUCH higher than most of these flippen dust bunnies that have a license! You know, we have all come across them, the cretins who plant themselves in the left (fast) lane of the highway and go 35 km/hr. while a line of cars comes up behind them and ultimately has to pass them on the right. I can see into their little minds......and my driver is thinking "The speed limit is 65 km/hr. and the vehicle I am in is doing 65 km/hr. so where are you expecting me to move to?" "My driver" is not a "shoulder driver"...............he has issues with "shoulder driving!" We are NOT going to move over and let you pass me." You're a menace to society....................... Not to mention the freakin accidents you end up causing, and the stress and the AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.............Where the hell are those cops when you need 'em! Actually - they probably don't even see this as an issue.......Over 'n' Out - Dizzy

YOU LOOK RETARDED!!!!!

2005-11-29T13:33:00.000-08:00

Here is a note to all those people out there that think it looks cool to shave off your eye brows! It's looks awful and YOU LOOK RETARDED! And why - when drawing them back on - do you have to draw them so far up on your forehead? You look like a Disney villain - or you look totally surprised all the time! I am sure that if you don't have a significant other - that your lover of the week is gonna just love waking up to you the next morning! I mean that's a real turn on you know - girls with no eye brows! Now it's probably much less painful to shave your whole eye brow than it is to pluck them - one hair at a time.............but let me tell you this - the pain is worth the trouble - cause you WON'T LOOK SO RETARDED! Aghast..........DIZ

The things people say.................

2005-11-28T10:50:00.000-08:00

I am not sure if everyone got this on T.V. yesterday - but after the Grey Cup - they were interviewing one of the Edmonton Eskimo players and the question that the interviewer said was something like..........."How long have you been waiting for this moment to win the Grey Cup?" And this 600 lb. football player answered................"Since I was a young boy - I used to have a squeaky football player................." Now - in what direction do you think that comment went when the rest of the team heard the interview! I am sure that he MEANT to say - he had a squeaky football toy - but he said very clearly - "football player"............. I don't know about you - but I find this truly comical! Has anyone you ever known had a squeaky football player? (And yes - I am aware of what I just typed!) You never know.....Diz

Shall we say PICKY?

2005-11-24T09:37:00.000-08:00

Okay - I was reading an article the other day - (I get daily emails on certain subjects from the CNN website) - and I was totally grossed out..............Yes...............The Diz grossed out! No matter out ludicrous, nonsensical, stupid, anti-social and nauseating or revolting your pastime or habit may be - fear not - there is always someone out there that will be doing some research that will prove that pastime or habit is good for you. Then maybe you can walk around - with the proof - that urinating on the dog is an okay thing - or using your wife's undies as a bowl to eat your salad out of - is good for you - you know those habits that you do that you never wanted anyone to find out about - or share with others. Well - this doctor has done some research on nose picking - and then eating it! (This doctor is from Austria). He has done a survey and in fact - nose-pickers, that also eat what they have mined, are "healthier, happier and more in tune with their bodies than sane people". Yes - this was said by a registered - real doctor! Can you imagine how he even conducted this survey? Stopping people on the street "Excuse me Mam' - do you pick your nose and then eat it afterwards?" WTF?????? Then there is the end of his statement about "sane people" - are all nose-pickers/eaters all insane? Now - the people I surround myself with are far from being sane - but I really don't think that they would even admit to anyone if they were one of these nose-pickers/eaters people! This doctor also suggests that we as parents should encourage our children to take up nose-picking and eating because, and I quote-"eating the dry remains of what you pull out of your nose is a great way of strengthening the body's immune system because it is full of bacteria”! Okay - another WTF?????????????? All right - now that we have the facts - why stop at eating snot? Let's just get into ear wax, belly button fluff, toe jam - and why not - eat crap too? Well advised.......DIZ

Brand spankin' new medications.......

2005-11-22T13:58:00.000-08:00

Has anyone other than me noticed the amount of commercials that are on T.V. for new prescription medications? Have you ever noticed all the side effects that "may occur" if you take any of these new prescription medications? My most favourite is one of the side effects to Viagra - "if you sustain a very rigid painful erection for more than 4 hours - please take yourself to the emergency room immediately". Well - isn't that why you are taking Viagra for to start with? And maybe if you didn't just take the pill and sit around the house wondering whether it's effects are true - and actually did something with that rigid vertical dangler (which is now horizontal) - would it no longer be painful? Then there is another commercial for some Rheumatoid Arthritis medication - which lists it's side effects as "may cause bleeding from the eyes and/or nose, stroke, heart failure, temporary blindness, dizziness, fainting, seizures, sinus infection, serious rise in temperature, chills" I mean - they might as well add leprocy, paralysis, major bladder infection, and may cause amputation of the head! Why would anyone in their right mind even want to ask their doctors about these medications? Befuddled and Enlightened......DIZ

Always put salt in your eyes........

2005-11-22T13:28:00.000-08:00

I received this little message from a friend - ("Bill" - in Grande Prairie) thought I might just pass it on - over the wires - seeing as most are into "modern shiny things" like computers and the like (huh?) This is how my lunacy explodes!
TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED THE 1930's, 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's !!
First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us. They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can and didn't get tested for diabetes. Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paints. We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets. Not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking. As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat. We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle. We shared one soft drink with 4 friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this. We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING! We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the street lights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K. We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem. We did not have Playstation, Nintendo or XBOX, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cellphones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them! We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents. We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever. We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes. We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them! Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!! The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law! This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever! The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL! And YOU are one of them! CONGRATULATIONS! You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good, and while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were. Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?! Deflated- DIZ

Life's Like That.................

2005-11-21T15:24:00.000-08:00

Is it? Is life REALLY like that? This is an expression that seems to really make no sense when you look into it. (I - obviously have WAAAAAYYY too much time to think!) Anyways - okay so -A man walks down the street and a bird shits on his head........someone will say "That's Life!", There is a power blackout, and your computer crashes at the most inconvenient moment - "That's Life!" someone will say! You see your bus coming, and can't make it across the street to catch it - and have to wait one hour before the next one comes - hey "That's Life!" Well - is it really life? I mean you are saying "That's life" as if this is actual proof that "That's Life" - that that is the way "all life" is........ when it is merely circumstantial evidence! " In fact, millions of people walk down the street every day without being shat on by a flying bird. So surely life must be like something other than that, too. Confused much? Diz

MY VERY FIRST!

2005-11-21T11:10:00.000-08:00

Yup - I sold my VERY FIRST painting today! It was the Edmonton Skyline - that I am sure you all have seen hanging around the Ford's residence! Now I have to find another to replace it in the spot in the coffee shop downstairs! I stuck a great big red "SOLD" sticker on it - and will bring in my camera tomorrow to take a picture of it before I take it down and hand it over to the purchaser. Yippee! Now I'm on my way to doing something I LIKE AND getting paid for it too! (I'll never make a iving at it - but maybe I can eventually go to three days a week here.....right now I work 4 days a week.............Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh to dream!) Elated Diz!